Crimson Red Sports

Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night, celebrating St Patrick’s Day.
 
Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’.
 
Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
 
‘da#@’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ‘oh bloody da#@!’
 
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine.
 
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
 
‘Be-Jesus… I’m in bloody trouble,’ he says.
 
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
 
He takes a look up the stairs and says ‘No bloody way....’
 
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed’. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ‘da#@ it’ and falls into bed.
 
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’
 
Paddy says, ‘I did, Jess. I was bloody pissed. But how did you know?’
 
‘Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.’

Ok, ok.  I'll start posting them here instead of their own thread each time... Was just trying to have a little fun at each of our expenses...  ;)

An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and an Army General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves,
 when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will
 think I've been in a whorehouse!"

 The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on me. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the
 following conversation takes place:

 Nalt: "You have no idea what I had to do to be
 able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I'd paint every room in the house next weekend."

 2Stater: "That's nothing. I had to promise my
 wife I'd build her a new deck for the pool."

 Chech: "Man! You both have it easy! I had to
 promise my wife I'd remodel the kitchen for her."

 They continue to fish when they realize that the
 fourth guy hasn't said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

 Some random guy on the beach: "I just set the alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut it down, gave the wife a nudge and said,
 "Fishing or sex?" and she said, "Wear a sweater."

I was trying to be a good mod and merge all the jokes into this thread, but I tarded everything up instead.  :lol2:

Good ones, NALT!

 :lol:

Some good ones, guys.

Maybe we should post a bunch of separate threads every day. 
Oh wait; already done here on CRS.   :lol2: :lol2:

A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

 Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing
 new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour
 pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they
 were very much in favour of it.

 The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even
 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But
 as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go
 ahead and kick it up a notch.

 The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was
 still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and
 was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for
 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.

 Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the
 husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

 The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband
 continued to experience no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.



 When they got home they found the mailman dead on the porch.

 :lol: :lol:

A mountain man went to the dentist.
The dentist said "You've got a really badly infected tooth that I'm going to have to pull. I'll give you a shot and when you're numb I'll pull the tooth."

The mountain man replied "Don't worry about the shot, I can take the pain. Just pull it outa there."

So the dentist dug and tugged and pulled the bad tooth out and the mountain man never even flinched. Afterward, the dentist said "I've never seen anyone with such a high tolerance for pain. Haven't you ever said 'Ouch!' in your life?"

The mountain man said "Just twice. Once when I was squattin' in the woods to do my business and I didn't realize I was over a bear trap until it closed on my nards."

"Good heavens!" said the dentist. "When was the other time?"

"When the slack let out of that chain."

A guy calls his buddy, Jamos, the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

 Jamos asks, "How will I recognize him?"

 "That's easy. He's a midget with a speech impediment."

 So the midget shows up, and Jamos asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

 "A female horth," the midget replies. So Jamos shows him a prized filly.

 "Nithe lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?" So Jamos picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

 "Nithe eyeth. Can I thee her earzth?" So he picks the little fella up again and shows him the horse's ears.

 "Nithe earzth, can I see her mouf?" By now Jamos is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

 "Nithe mouf, can I see her twatt?" Totally mad as fire at this point, Jamos grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twatt, pulls him out and slams him onto the ground.

 The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.


 "Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"

Well I know one thing you can't accuse the Milkman anymore cause there ain't one. RTR!

Bwaaahaaahaaahaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  :lol: :lol: :lol:

That'll get you 2 e-creds!

A bar owner who has been having some trouble drawing in patrons decided to start a contest. He brought in his horse, and at the cost of $2 per try, people were asked to try to make the horse jump in the air. The first person to do it would get free drinks for a month.

For three weeks, the contest went great, as no one was able to get the horse to jump and the owner was making a killing. One day a guy walks into the bar and reads about the contest. He pulls out 2 $1 bills, hands them to the owner, then walks out. Five minutes later he returns with two bricks, and goes to the back where the horse was kept. Thirty seconds later, the horse lets out a high whinney and jumps three feet in the air. The owner grudgingly tells the guy he is the winner, and starts him on his month of free drinks.

The owner begins to think "I have to come up with something else now." So he decides to use the horse again, only this time the challenge was to make the horse shake his head yes or no.

Again he makes a killing for about a month, as no one can beat the challenge. On the last day of the month, the same guy walks in and reads about the new contest. He thinks for a moment, puts down his $2, and walks back to the horse. He looks the horse right in the eye:

"You remember what I did to your (testicles) the last time?"
The horse shakes his head yes.
"You want me to do it again?"
The horse shakes his head no.

:lol: :lol: :lol: You got an ecred for that one CB... I'd give that guy that won the contests an ecred too if I could...  :lol: :lol:

A Magician was doing his stage show in front of a big audience but saw he wasn't getting anywhere. After trying all the 'tricks', in desperation, he called a big, muscular man out of the audience.

"Sir, I'd like you to take this 20 pound sledge hammer and hit me as hard as you can right in the head."

The man refused.

The magician then said, "Sir, I am a professional. This is the Greatest Illusion. Besides, there are hundreds of witnesses, hit me as hard as you can right in the head with the hammer."

The man shrugged, did it, and the Magician went flying across the stage, hit the wall, and immediately fell into a coma. He was rushed to the hospital, and remained in the coma for years.

Ten years later, he came out of the coma, looked around, and said "Ta-dah!!"

"This is the Greatest Illusion." is what is gonna happen in Baton Rouge Sat. RTR!

Starring The GREAT TUA!!

(https://media1.tenor.com/images/a7d40099de42d4529547ab1cb85a8194/tenor.gif?itemid=12453398)

 :clap: E-cred!

I know the text appears of him saying the word "Tide" but somewhat reading his lips it doesn't appear  that he actually does.  I think something's up with that gif... :panic:

I wouldn't mind having one of those jackets.

PSA


(https://i.imgur.com/gPioK3o.jpg)

E-cred for that one, XBama.

 :lol: :lol: :lol:

Here's one I stole from I believe good ole Jerry Clower:

A Methodist minister from Mississippi and his wife were Chicago for a conference. As it happened, the conference was held at a separate venue from where the couple were staying so they rented a car to drive across town.

The minister, who was dressed in his clerical robes for the conference, was not watching his speed and was pulled over by a police officer. As the officer approached the car, he believed he had pulled over a Catholic priest.

"Oh, I'm sorry Father," said the cop. "I hope I have not detained you from your work. Please continue on, just watch your speed from now on."

"Bless you, my son," said the minister, and drove on.

The wife looked at him and said, "You ought to be ashamed of yourself, a Christian man like yourself making that boy believe you was a priest!"

The minister looked over at his wife. "You best be glad he didn't want to know who you were."

:lol:

Never heard that one (that I recall).   :lol2:

Good one, CB!  :lol:

A friend of mine and I were on a church-sponsored trip (I know, right?) to Mexico about 6 years ago.  We were there directing locals on building water-filtering systems in the Yucatan.  I was there because of my skills, not my religious history.

Anyhow, my buddy and I had gone into town in the church van for lunch and a beer, and we were stopped by a military roadblock.  They were searching for bad guys.  I was driving, so when a guy with an AK walked up to my window and asked for our registration papers for the van (which we didn't have), I said (with stumbling Spanish):

"Somos misioneros".  [We're missionaries]

My buddy spewed spit onto the floor laughing, but hid it from the AK guys.

An officer walked up, asked the AK guy 'what's up?', and I heard AK say "misioneros".
The officer smacked AK with an open-handed slap to the head.
We drove on.

Thus ended my missionary life!   :lol2:

A taxi driver had a run of bad luck and was down to his last point on his commercial drivers license.  He pulled up to La Guardia airport, when into his cab jumps the Pope.

"Hurry up man," says the Pope, "I'm late for a meeting of U.S. Bishops in downtown Manhattan."

""I'm sorry, your Holiness," says the cabbie, "but if I speed I'll lose my license."

"Then get in the back and let me drive," says the Pope.

The cabbie thinks about it for a second, and decides, "What the heck, it's the Pope," so he gets in the back seat and lets the Pope take the wheel.

The Pope is speeding through New York like an experienced cabbie.  He's passing cars using the merge lane.  He's running red lights.  He's taking alleyways. 

Just as they stop outside the building for the Pope's meeting, a police car pulls up behind them with its lights flashing.  The officer gets out of the patrol car, walks up to the cab, takes one look at the Pope, and then walks back to his patrol car.

He calls the station to speak with his superior.

"I just pulled over someone very important and I don't know what to do," he says.

"Is is the mayor?" asks his boss.

"No, it's not the mayor," says the officer.  "He's more important than the mayor."

"Is it the Governor?" asks his boss.

"No, it's not the Governor," says the officer.  "He's more important that the Governor."

"What?" says his boss. "It's not the the President, is it?"

"No," says the cabbie, "he's more important that the President."

"More important that the President?"  asks his boss.  "Who could be more important than the President?"

"I don't know," says the police officer, "but he's got the Pope driving him around."

:lol: :lol: :lol:  Ecred worthy...

Bwaaahaaahaaa!!!!! Indeed, E-cred worthy!

(https://i.imgur.com/zi1xRkY.jpg)

:lol: :lol:

A man is dying and calls his priest, his doctor, and his lawyer to his house. 

"They say you can't take it with you, but I'm going to try," says the man.

So he hands each one of them an envelope containing $200K in cash.

"When I die, I want you to drop these envelopes into my casket," says the man.

A month later, the man dies, and at the funeral each of the three friends drops their envelopes into the casket.

Later, they are sitting at a bar, reminiscing about the man.  Finally, the priest can't hold back any longer.

"I feel so guilty," says the priest.  "I took $20K out of the envelope for the orphan's food fund. "

The doctor looks at him, turns red, and says, "Father, now you're making me feel bad.  I took $100k out of the envelope to buy myself a Mercedes."

The lawyer looks at the priest, looks at the doctor, and shakes his head in disgust.  "You two should feel ashamed of yourselves," says the lawyer, "I put in a check for the full amount."

 :lol: If WV was still alive, he'd be giving you he!! right now.  :lol2:

good info there boys , HTH   :lol3:

(https://scontent-dfw5-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/46498202_2267188700011062_6433750018863136768_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_ht=scontent-dfw5-1.xx&oh=d6c6ec2c90dbf3804dd3b8e4920d600b&oe=5C7BF74C)

A wife wakes here husband up in the middle of the night. "Hey, if I ever died, would you re-marry?"
"Probably so."
"Ok. Would you live in this house with her?"
"Well sure. Why go buy another house just because I remarried?"
"Would you let her wear my clothes?"
"I suppose she could if she was your size."
"Would you let her drive my car?"
"No!! Absolutely not!"
"Why not?"
"She can't drive a straight stick."

:lol2: :lol2:  Not so hypothetical now is it?  :lol2:

Walmart is closing 269 stores in 2019 putting 14 cashier's out of work.

Wow are those cashiers graduates from auburn? RTR!

 :lol: Yes. They graduated with a degree in Wal-Marks-ology.

:facepalm:

I bet they really keep their lines mooooving.

My apologies for the udderly terrible joke.

Is that the Bessie you can do?  :lol2:

Funny jokes and puns guys.  Thanks, I needed that...

Nope, not at all!  :lol2:
Got this gem from Lewis Grizzard.

(https://thumbs.gfycat.com/AbandonedConsciousDevilfish-max-1mb.gif)

We're here to cheer you up.  8)

At a local church one Sunday evening, the preacher was really bringing it. I mean hellfire and brimstone.

All of the sudden there was a dark cloud over the stage, and from a cloud of smoke, the devil himself stepped out. Everyone in the in the church, including the preacher, screamed and ran for the exits, except for one 85-year-old man on the front pew.

The devil walked up to him, "Don't you know who I am?"
The old man said, "Yes I do," without so much as a stammer in his voice.
Puzzled, the devil said "Ain't you afraid of me?"
Old man smiled. "Nah. I was married to your sister for 40 years."

Lol, for the record, that man wasn't 85 y/o, he was about 63 y/o and he was married to my MIL for 43 years when he passed away...  :-X

How many quarterbacks does Alabama have?

Tua that can Hurt you.

 :lol:

TEE SHIRT??

  #+ #+ #+  Ecred for that one...

(https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/47250088_2142267699127467_5007106258457591808_n.jpg?_nc_cat=107&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=9567fca215db909e221f3fb63cd9def7&oe=5CA54256)

"That's a goodie."   :lol:

(https://i.imgflip.com/2nw8fa.jpg)

 :lol: :lol: :lol: Awesome!

(http://)

A woman found a magic bottle, rubbed it and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, “Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I’m a one-wish genie. So, what will it be?”

The woman did not hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and the Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony.

 The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Lady, be reasonable! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I’m good, but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.”

The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know – one that’s considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for, a good man.”

The genie let out a sigh and said, “Let me see the map again.”

A new head coach checks into his new school and while setting up his office he opens his desk drawer. In the drawer are three envelopes.
 The envelopes are labeled "(1) on the event of your first crisis open this envelope; (2) on the event of your second crisis open this envelope; (3) on the event of your third crisis open this envelope"

The new coach pushes the envelopes to the back of the drawer and forgets about them.

Near the middle of his second season, things are not going well and there is talk of firing the coach.

The coach remembers the envelopes. He goes to his office and opens the first envelop.  Inside was a note card that read, "Blame your predecessor".

So, the coach issues a press release stating that he is handicapped by the previous coaches baggage. "Give me time to get my recruits in place and things will get better".

Things settle down for awhile.


In the middle of his forth year things have not gotten better. Again there is talk of firing the coach.

The coach goes to his office and pulls the second envelope from his desk drawer and opens it. Inside was a note card that read, "Reorganize".

So, the coach issues a press release stating that he is firing several of his assistants and coordinators. He later hires some very sought after assistance.

Things settle down for awhile.


Two years later, things are still not going well.  Again there is talk of replacing him.

The coach goes to his office and pulls out the third envelope. Inside the envelope is a note card which read, "Go to the campus book store and purchase three envelopes".

And, the carousel rotates on.

:lol: #+

An Alabama guy, a Tennessee guy, and an Auburn guy are facing a firing squad. Each one is given one last request. The Tennessee guy says, "I want to hear Rocky Top played just one more time." The Auburn guy says, "Please play War Eagle for more me one last time." They come to the Alabama guy, and without hesitation he says "Please, shoot me first."

That was me at the 10RC game this year.  :lol2:

(https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/48169824_340385406515359_4730687244233342976_n.jpg?_nc_cat=107&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=6e23c6d96ca854c4292015bfac6190c5&oe=5C95FF79)

 :lol: :lol:

“You'll be fine," the doctor said reassuringly after finishing the young woman's surgery.

 But, she asked, "How long will it be before I’m able to have a normal sex life?”

The surgeon paused and his face became somewhat flushed as he gave the young woman a rather perplexed look.

 She appeared more than a bit alarmed. "What's the matter doctor? I will be all right, won't I? Please tell me there’s not a problem.”

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no-one has ever asked me that particular question after having their tonsils out."

Joey and Tony, two 1st generation Italian immigrants, worked construction in Brooklyn together for many years.

One day while they were eating lunch, Tony looked at Joey, and said "Joey, answer me'a some questions.  Do you'a like'a big fat'a women?"

Joey looked confused and said, "Tony, why'a you ask'a me that'a?  No, I don't'a like'a big fat'a women."

"Joey, do you'a like'a a woman that'a does not cook'a, does not clean'a, and does nothing but'a nag'a, nag'a, nag'a?

"Tony, why'a you ask'a me that'a?  No, I don't'a like'a that'a kind'a woman."

"Joey, do you'a like'a a smelly woman?  Smelly, hairy arm'a'pits, unwashed'a hair'a?

"Tony, why'a you ask'a me that'a?  No, I don't'a like'a that'a kind'a woman."

"Then, Joey, answer'a me one'a last'a question.  You'a say'a you'a don't'a like'a that'a kind'a woman, then why'a are you'a sleeping with'a my wife?

 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: for the last 2 jokes and e-creds!

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.  The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot of shopping to do, she called him on his cell phone.  The wife said, "Where are you?  You know we have lots to do."  He said, "Do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago and you fell in love with that diamond necklace but I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

Some tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up...

"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.

"Well, I am in the gun shop next door to that."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7QJp7fSvzYA

Bwaaahaaahaahaaa!!!!!!  :lol: :lol: :lol:

(https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/49202825_597097847416128_7476719359965003776_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=26e3e8b94a58c674976662a4330a26d3&oe=5C9EC7B1)

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents
know if any mischief occurs in their town,
the two boys are probably involved.

The boy's mother heard that a preacher in town
had been successful in disciplining children,
so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning,
with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice,
sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
"Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response,
sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
"Where is God?! 
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. 
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger
in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room,
ran directly home & dove into his closet,
slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,
"What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
"We are in BIG trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

 :lol: :lol: :lol:

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?". The husband looks up from his coffee, Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love? "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replied softly.

 He wiped another tear from his cheek and said...... "I would have gotten out today."

An oldie but goodie!  :clap:

:lol: :lol:

(https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/49439939_2257574841155019_814961437301538816_n.jpg?_nc_cat=111&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=6303b1711d09b389a4c4638aa6d8ca81&oe=5C90F3E3)

A senior couple pulls up to a gas station:

 Attendant: How may I help you?
 Old Man: Please fill it up.
 Old Lady: What did he say?
 Old Man: [yelling]: He asked what we wanted and I told him to fill it up.

  Attendant: So, where are you heading?
 Old Man: To Chicago to see our Grandchildren.
 Old Lady: What did he say?
 Old Man: [yelling]: He asked where we're going. I told him we're going to see the Grand kids.

 Attendant: It sure is a nice day for a drive.
 Old Man: Yes, it's been quite pleasant.
 Old Lady: What did he say?
 Old Man: [yelling]: He said its good weather.

 Attendant: Where are you coming from?
 Old Man: We started our trip from State College.
 Old Lady: What did he say?
 Old Man: [yelling]: He asked where we're from and I said State College.

 Attendant: I dated a girl from State College once. She wouldn't shut up and was lousy in bed.
 Old lady: What did he say?
 Old Man: [yelling]: He says he knows you.

:lol:

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife.

 The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for!

 A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.

 He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird.

 The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing.

 The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.

 The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot.

 Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."

 The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot.

 Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way."

 The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.

 The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately.

 He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night."

 He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells."

 The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead.

 Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing- Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!

I'm not sure if this one belongs here in the "joke" thread or perhaps over in the President's Mansion for political discourse...  anyways...

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
 How to live in a world that's politically correct?
 His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
 "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
 And labor conditions at the north pole
 Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
 Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
 Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
 And equal employment had made it quite clear
 That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
 So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
 Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
 The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
 The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
 And people had started to call for the cops
 When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
 Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite
 frightened.
 His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
 And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
 Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
 And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
 Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
 So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
 Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
 Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
 Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
 And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
 That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
 Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
 Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
 Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
 Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
 Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
 Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
 Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
 Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
 No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
 Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
 And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
 Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
 For they raised the hackles of those psychological
 Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
 No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
 Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
 Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
 And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
 So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
 He just could not figure out what to do next.
 He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
 But you've got to be careful with that word today.
 His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
 Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
 Something special was needed, a gift that he might
 Give to all without angering the left or the right.
 A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
 Each group of people, every religion;
 Every ethnicity, every hue,
 Everyone, everywhere...even you.
 So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
 "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

(https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.15752-9/49443020_505618013264256_1099238407726432256_n.png?_nc_cat=108&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=bf99b56330ad15bce36d99dbb5f7a055&oe=5CC817E8)

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

 The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out chasing turkeys up and down the mountains."

 The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there has got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

 The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

 The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

 The old timer said, "He's 100 years old and in fact he hunted turkey with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a turkey hunter."

 The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

 The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

 The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"

 The old timer said, "He's 118 years old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went turkey hunting with you this morning too?"

 The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."

 The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"

 The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

Bwaaahaaahaaahaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!  :lol: :lol: :lol:

An older couple had just learned how to send text messages on their
cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a
no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided
to send her husband a romantic text message:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me
your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking,
 send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

:lol3:

:lol:

:lol:

A Minnesota farmer named Olie had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

 In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot attorney questioned him thus: 'Didn't you say to the state trooper
 at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"

 Olie responded: 'vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

 'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene
of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

 Olie said, 'vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin' down da road.... '

 The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

 By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Olie's answer and said to the attorney: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie'.

 Olie said: 'Tank you' and proceeded. 'vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road vin dis huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side



 by golly. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch.

 By yimminy yahosaphat I vas hurt, purty durn bad, and didn't want to move. An even vurse dan dat, I could hear old Bessie a moanin' and a groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.

 Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too, so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.

 Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'


 'Now wot da f#$k vud you say?

Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown". Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor.

 The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him.

 He asks, "Are you Ok??"
 In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"

 The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.

 "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."


 Mike said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said "Turn around."

Middle of the afternoon an ambulance rolls into the ER bay and the EMT's wheel 2Stater out on the gurney. Unconscious, face is battered and blue, both eyes swollen shut and there is a seven iron wrapped around his neck. ER docs work on him for a couple of hours, finally get the seven iron off and he slowly regains his senses. They ask him what happened.

 "Not sure Doc. Wife and I were playing golf and she shanked one out of bounds into a pasture. We looked and looked for her ball but couldn't find it. Then I saw something white and shiny stuck in the back of a cow's privates. I go over and sure enough it's a golf ball. The last thing I remember is lifting the cow's tail and hollering - Hey Hon, I think this looks like yours!!"

 :lol: :lol: :lol: MALT bringing the funnies today!

(https://safr.kingfeatures.com/idn/cnfeed/zone/js/content.php?file=aHR0cDovL3NhZnIua2luZ2ZlYXR1cmVzLmNvbS9IYWdhclRoZUhvcnJpYmxlLzIwMTMvMTAvSGFnYXJfVGhlX0hvcnJpYmxlLjIwMTMxMDE3XzkwMC5naWY=)

I used to spend Christmas holidays fishing in Belize!   :(

 :lol:

(https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/49209937_10215306116704288_6335947673593446400_n.jpg?_nc_cat=102&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=8559dcb30fdb30aae5b1a785c709b75f&oe=5CD05457)

His name was Chechem, he was from Mississippi ... And he needed a loan, So ... he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International Fish Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000; and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so Chech handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the rube from Mississippi for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Mississippian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished professor from Ole Miss University, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

Chech replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

:lol:

(https://pictures.dealer.com/b/boardwalkferrari/0642/862fd9626cb836eb08ca34d42e5671f7x.jpg?impolicy=resize&w=640)

Wow!  Chech is "highly sophisticated?"  Who knew?  :lol3:

Apparently the NY banker.  :lol3:

(https://bullgatorslounge.com/images/smilies/new5_muttley.gif)

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

 "Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

 "OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

 "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

 A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

 The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

 The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

 After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

 So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together Is there some sort of secret to this?"

 Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

Weight Loss Program

 

 A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

 

 The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

 

 She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

 

 Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

 

 He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

 

 Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

 

 Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

 

 "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

 

 The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

 

 He lost 33 lbs that week..

Ecred!  With this bit of knowledge though I have signed up for just the 5, 10, and 25 pound programs...We'll see how this turns out...

I'm bringing a TAZER GUN.   8)

Not me.  I'll be bringing my AR10...  ;)  I'm afraid he might get back up after being tazed...

I think the TAZER is for the 5 and 10 pound program.  Someone that is clever enough to trick the bank into parking their Ferrari is too smart to sign up for the 25 pound program in the first place.

Exactly.

I'm opening the door, tazing her, and dragging her inside.

 8)

I have a funny joke for you all:
Some sports reporter actually picked Clemson to win the game tonight. RTR!

Was he an American?   :dunno:

(https://i.imgflip.com/1um3ln.jpg)

It was Jim Mora, or at least that is who I saw.  If he knew what he was talking about Chip Kelley would not be the coach at UCLA right now.  :lol2:

I've actually seen him do this before.  He has a tendency to go with the contrarian pick just to be different.

Prepare yourselves for the jokes on us.

Just sayin'.

 :(

An old hunter named Bob from Arkansas sitting at a bar orders a double-shot and slams it down. He orders another and slams it down. He orders a third and drops the drink on the bar, breaks the glass and it falls in his lap and cuts his organ.

 A man sitting next to him says, "That must be the worst hurt in the world".
Bob replies, "Nope, for me its the 3rd worst hurt I've experienced".

 The man holds his forehead and says, "What was the second worst hurt?"

 Bob tells him, "I was out in the woods hunting and had to take a crap. I went between some trees and squatted down and my "family jewels" set off a bear trap".

 The man in disbelief says, "WOW! What was the first worst hurt?"

 Bob replied "When I reached the end of the chain".

 :lol: I heard that one a little differently, but just as funny.

I think 2 told me that one during a fishing trip.   :lol2: :lol2:

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her
blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me sh**."

#+ #+ #+ That's a good one.  Sadly though, there is much truth to that one...

You're right, NALT, this was taken from FB. They said it was a true story.

(https://scontent.fhsv1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/49213445_2264041077159171_6022110741077688320_n.jpg?_nc_cat=103&_nc_ht=scontent.fhsv1-1.fna&oh=b3c3ca378d9045e2ff2c3b25637c3b08&oe=5CBD6D57)

 :lol: :lol: :lol:

Well, I'm at the emergency room 😩. This day has kinda taken a turn for the worst. I got the chance to go horseback riding, something I haven't done in a while. Big mistake. I got on the horse and started out slowly, but I got cocky. So we started going a little faster and before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go. And when I tried to stop the horse, I couldn't stop him, he must have gotten spooked or something.

He was out of control, so I decided to try to jump off the horse, and instead, I fell off, but as I was falling, my foot got caught in the stirrup , so the horse was dragging me. And he wouldn't stop. Every time I screamed at him to stop, the horse went faster. Thank goodness the manager came out and unplugged the machine. But he had the nerve to take the rest of my quarters so I wouldn't attempt to ride it again.  :facepalm:

:lol: :lol: :lol:  Ecred for that one...

At first I thought I was reading this in the Daily Thread.  :lol2:

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".

My favorite jokes:

NFC Championship referees.


(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DxY9MnKUwAAusWV.jpg)

For some reason, I don't think the Saints found it that funny. What an absolutely horrible no call!  :wall:

THEY WERE A JOKE!   :deadhorse: :deadhorse: :deadhorse:

No doubt!  >:( >:( >:(

(https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/50428494_2090624474359389_6963077654031368192_n.jpg?_nc_cat=105&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=d1fb353296cc211d55b9cefe9b61e625&oe=5CF9CF06)

A man in his mid-forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn’t run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

“It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks for a second and says: “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer, and walked away.

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”

He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

He said, “Yes.”

I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”

He said, “A Christian.”

I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?”

He said, “Protestant.”

I said, “Me, too! What franchise?”

He said, “Baptist.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”

He said, “Northern Baptist.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”

He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”

He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”

He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.”

I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, “You make a good point, my son.”

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held in a locked vault. Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk. The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

“We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!”

“Father!” cries the young monk. “What’s wrong?”

The head monk with tears in his eyes replies, “The word is celebrate!”

 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Rant. VERY, VERY SAD DAY. A good friend of mine, after 7 yrs of medical school and training has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He's still paying on his school loans. This just goes to show one minor mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts for him and his family. He really is a great guy and a brilliant veterinarian.

A good friend of mine has two tickets for the 2019 Super Bowl, 50 yard line box seats.
 He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding.

 If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...

 It's at St. Michaels Church, at 3pm. The bride's name is Brittany and she's 5'10", blonde, about 110lbs good cook too.
 She'll be the one with the white dress.

He says, "Thank you in advance."

:lol: :lol:

I can be there for the wedding night.   :dunno: :dunno:

(https://scontent.fhsv1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/51286845_2233381873576553_4830245337773899776_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&_nc_ht=scontent.fhsv1-1.fna&oh=ba56ace143eae64ccc630a44b9ccaf14&oe=5D00CB47)

 :lol: :lol: :lol:

 :deadhorse: :deadhorse: :deadhorse: :deadhorse:  :deadhorse: :deadhorse:

A trucker's wife sees three parrots for sale.  $170, $150, and $10.
She asks why the last parrot is so cheap.
The pet store owner said it used to live in a whore house.
The woman laughs and buys it.
She gets home the parrot says, "Wow, a new whore house!"
The woman laughs...
When her 2 daughters come home, the parrot says, "Awesome!  2 new gals!"
They all laugh.
when her husband walks in the door, the parrot says "Hi Joe! Glad you found the new spot!"
And... that's how the fight started...

Why you should never question a drunk

As a single mom I was shopping at the local supermarket - where I selected:


A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, "Yes, you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "’Cause you're ugly."

 :lol: :lol: :lol:

What do you call a fish without eyes?

Fsh

How do you circumcise a whale??




You send down 4-skin divers.   :unsure:

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
 
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke,  "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

 Silence fell over the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

The entire congregation said, "Amen."

 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

:lol3:  Ecred for that one...

:lol2:

The old women are always the plain spoken ones.

The young and middle-aged ones, too.  :lol2:

A couple of Grunts were talking about a moose hunting trip. One wanted to go,, his buddy really didn't.
 He told the first one, "We never even see a moose. All we ever come home with is burned blankets and a hangover".

 The first grunt told him, "It'll be different this year. I've have a 'moose in love' horn, and I also got us a moose suit for a decoy".

 So, off they go. The game plan was to lay a rifle on the ground, get inside the moose suit, and sound the 'moose in love' horn.
 When they call in a moose... The rear Grunt gets out of the suit and shoots it.

 Everything is going as planned.
 The Grunt in the front end is sounding the horn, and soon,  they hear a loud bellow, as a moose answered it.
 The front Grunt sounded it again, it was answered again, but closer.

 After a few more times, the front Grunt tells his buddy, "It's close.... get ready.... I see it, its coming straight at us..."

 The Grunt in the rear says, "The zipper is stuck. I can't get out of this cheap moose suit".

"It's right here...... its as big as an elephant......hurry".
 "I can't get the zipper to move. (Long string of profanity) What do we do now".


 The front Grunt says, "I'm going to bend over and pretend to be eating grass. You probably should brace yourself".

 :lol: :lol: :lol: E-cred!

A farmer had three daughters...
and each was going on a date one Friday night.

The first daughters date showed up "Hi I'm Freddy here to pick up Betty to eat spaghetti, is she ready?"

Betty left with Freddy.

The second daughters date showed up "Hey I'm Joe here to pick up Flo to go to the show, is she ready to go?"

Flo left with Joe.

The third daughters date showed up "Hello I'm Chuck-"

The farmer shot him.

:lol:

:lol3:

Poor Chuck liked to eat duck but he ran out of luck.

 :lol: Boy, did that suck.

Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar...

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"

Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years."

Tiger says, "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

But, "How do you putt" asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball toward his voice."

Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"

Stevie Wonder says, "Pick a night."

 :lol: :lol:

E-cred

Awesome!   :lol: #+ :lol:

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

 

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

 

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

 

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

 

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I”?

There's a familiar theme to your jokes.   :lol2:

I think this was one of my fishing jokes, too.  :lol2:

Better save a few in case we actually get to the beach this year. 
 :unsure: :tinfoil: :tinfoil:

My joke arsenal is pretty loaded. Retrieving them is the issue.  :lol2:

I know.  And I've heard them all, but as I get older they're still new to me.
 :lol2: :lol2:

That's because you have old-timerz…
They say the memory is the first thing to go... Is that right?   :lol3:

Who are you?

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."; Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't mess with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."






What were you thinking?   :dunno:   :lol2:

Exactly what happened. I’ve heard it before.  :lol2:

Let me guess, Chech was the old man in that one?

 :lol3:

 8)

3 old men were walking outside and talking.

The first old man said, "It's Windy!"

The second man said, "No it's not, it's Thursday."

The third man said, "Me too. Let's go for a beer."

 
A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY


Dear Diary.

For my sixty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am
still in great shape since playing on my college tennis team 45 years
ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with
my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress

MONDAY

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting
for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and
showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the
treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it
to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching
the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my
workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is
going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air --
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda
was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and
when she scolds, She gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help
me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other s**t too.

THURSDAY

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took
me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid
in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me. Then, as punishment, she
put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY

I hate that b**ch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world Stupid, skinny, anemic
little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on
my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the
floor, don't hand me the barbells or anything that weighs
more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a
health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer,
like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
wife will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root
canal or a vasectomy.

:lol2:

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
 
The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
 
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable!

Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
 
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.

He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"

:lol: :lol: :lol:  I can just imagine that actually happening...

Which also reminds me of a true story that my best friend's wife related to me a few months after his death.  Now, she wasn't the most attractive lady.  In fact, she was very unattractive and badly overweight.  She said that early in their marriage, while Jim was still in the Army, she decided to surprise him when he got home from work by stripping down totally naked and wrapping herself in Saran Wrap.  Well, he got home and she met him at the door when he opened it to come in.  Unbeknownst to her, he had brought one of his army buddies home for dinner.  There she was standing in front of them both wearing NOTHING but that Saran Wrap.  She said she has never been so embarrassed as she was that evening.  I'm just glad that I wasn't the buddy that happened too...   :lol2:

Texas Sheriff's Exam
      
      


         
         A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman.  He grew up big, 6' 2", strong
         as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang.  He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in
         the air at 40 paces.
         
         When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of
         working: with a West Texas Sheriff's Department.  After a series of tests and
         interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young
         man's last interview.
         
         The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot.  So
         far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an
         "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted.
         
         We don't let just anyone carry our badge, son."
         
         Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief
         said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:
         
         six illegal aliens,
         
         six lawyers,
         
         six meth dealers,
         
         six Muslim extremists,
         
         six Democrats,
         
         and a rabbit."
         
         "Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.
         
         
         "You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"

A young Arab boy asks his father "What is that strange hat you are wearing?"
 The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun."

 "And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?" asked the boy. "Oh, my son!" exclaimed the father "It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body,"

 The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?""These are 'babouches' my son," the father replied.  You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches' keep us from burning our feet."

 "So tell me then," added the boy.

 "Yes, my son…"

 "Why are you living in Minnesota and still wearing all this?

 :lol:

(https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/57486256_440952833329312_7369439778514665472_n.jpg?_nc_cat=101&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=5a41e2d119168862196255696521a81c&oe=5D6FC252)

A bus full of housewives going on a picnic, accidently drove off the road and into a river.  All the wives died.

Each husband cried for a week but one husband continued to cry for more than two weeks.

When asked why he missed his wife so much, he replied, "My wife missed the bus!!!"

 :lol: :lol:

What happens to a lawyer when he takes Viagra?

He grows a foot taller.

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Maria.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than meet the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email:
Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son,
Anthony
A few days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:
Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mama

 :lol: :lol:

I heard that same joke, but in a more vulgar setting (undies in the tackle box).

Good one!  :lol: :lol: :lol:

Long but funny
 SO FUNNY!!!!! And if you've had one, even funnier. (The best part are the patients comments to the physician).

 ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.


Colonoscopy Journal:

 I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.


 A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.


 Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.


 I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, "HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!"


 I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called "MoviPrep," which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies..


 I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn"t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.


 Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.


 The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, "a loose, watery bowel movement may result."


 This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.


 MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.


 After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.


 The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, "What if I spurt on Andy?" How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.


 At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..


 Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep..
 At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.


 When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.


 Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.


 There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was "Dancing Queen" by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, "Dancing Queen" had to be the least appropriate.


 "You want me to turn it up?" said Andy,  from somewhere behind me.


 "Ha ha," I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.


 I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling "Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine," and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.


 Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.



 On the subject of Colonoscopies...
 Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

 1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.


 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"


 3. "Can you hear me NOW?"


 4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"


 5. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."


 6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"


 7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."


 8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"


 9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"


 10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."


 11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"


 12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."


And the best one of all:
 13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"

That is hilarious, NALT! E-cred.  :lol: :lol: :lol:

(https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.15752-9/59829838_2290888424331094_6010926611879165952_n.png?_nc_cat=109&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=fb78eb03b88009bef245f0f07f4b9214&oe=5D60D7FB)

 :lol: :lol:

(https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/59967651_3110691155611435_2224967022683357184_n.jpg?_nc_cat=108&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=e493ca92dcdaab72f20ae28cf12ee25c&oe=5D705724)

There was a time (during the 60s) I'd ask for the name of the 16 year old.   :lol2:

(https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/20032081_464457547236990_70440945831852440_n.png?_nc_cat=108&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=726be749a94a5797754273f8ee2a6663&oe=5D67DF30)

Oh we need to get you one of those shirts, 2.  :lol2: :lol2:

I'm on it.  8)

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
 
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signals back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signals to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signals, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.
The Godfather asks the lawyer,
"What did he say?"
The lawyer replies,
"He says f**k  you, you don't have the b*lls to pull the trigger."

:lol: :lol: :lol:  Funny, but are you sure that is a joke and not an example of real events from days gone by?

A wife got so angry at her husband that she packed all of his stuff and told him to GET OUT!

On his way out she said, I hope you die a long, slow, and very painful death."

He stopped, turned around and asked, "So do you want me to stay now?"

Sunday Sex
 Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie immediately went to her 95-year-old grandmother's house to comfort her. When Katie inquired as to the granddad's cause of death, her grandmother replied, "He died while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie responded that two people in their late 90's having sex might surely be asking for (medical) trouble!" Grandpa WAS 99!
 "Oh no, my dear," grandma went on to say, "years back we decided -- considering our advanced ages -- it would be the safest to have sex on Sunday mornings when the church bells rang." She continued, "The church bells are slow and actually create a good rhythm -- in on the 'ding', and out on the 'dong.'" She paused to grab a Kleenex for a bit of a sniffle and to wipe new tears from her eyes. "He'd probably still be alive if that Ice Cream truck hadn't come along!"

 :lol: :lol: :lol:

TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE. AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, " WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?"

THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT STAND."

"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" THE OTHER NUN REPLIED, AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT.

THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER. "WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO".

WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER. PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER.

HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID:

"THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE."

:lol: :lol:

I know some nun jokes, but we can't print them.

 :unsure: :unsure: :tinfoil:

I know. This is the cleanest one I've seen.  :lol2:

If you like "Dad" jokes, here is one that my 11 y/o son claims he made up...

What kind of party did the bison go to?
















A BISONteniel party!

(https://bullgatorslounge.com/images/smilies/rimshot.gif)

(http://www.woollyal.com/core/images/smilies/troll.gif)

 :facepalm:

(https://i.imgur.com/N6MfJQk.jpg)

One day when ex President Clinton returned from a trip to Arkansas he disembarked the presidential helicopter on the White House lawn leading a razorback pig on a leash down the gangway. The Marine Honor Guard saluted the president and smartly replied "Welcome back Sir". President Clinton said to the Marine "Do you know what I have here?" The Marine replied "Yes Sir, a Pig Sir". President Clinton replied "this is not just any pig, this is an Arkansas Razorback Pig that I got for Hillary". The Marine replied "Good trade Sir".

As the WWII bomber pilot settled into his seat, he pulled out a .38 revolver and placed it on top of the instrument panel.
 Turning to the navigator, he asked, "Do you know what I use this for?" The navigator replied timidly, "No, Sir, what's it for?"
 The pilot responded, "I use it on navigators that get me lost!"

 The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked, "What's that for?"

 "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you do."

Robert asked the televangelist to pray for his hearing.
 After 3 minutes of violent shaking and trying to push him over backwards the preacher ask, "how's your hearing"?
 Robert replied, " I don't know. It doesn't take place until Tuesday at the courthouse."

An oldie but goody.  :lol3:

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
Walking with his legs spread apart.

He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend:

"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."

The other student says:

"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him
And one of the students said to him,

"We're medical students and couldn't help
But notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.
Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said,

"I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought, but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said,

"I thought it was gas but I was wrong, too!"

(https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/67374942_2495960880633661_2802276258661007360_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_oc=AQlCZ-SY6xCX2fuyizMBbkmL5eMeYiyWHUA9QWoy2kLiRY9n5JJkO_M1xERAaISV7X4&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=b5c999a5b18402186dec97d569dbf4bb&oe=5DAA561E)

 :lol: :lol:

(https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/67674579_10216756781770008_6560561097236021248_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&_nc_oc=AQnBHM--FNBbNJMNxV57sMNb1IFroGaDVZrQwAO9CWA7EJBlVg8ztjf0ArTYAL4hwqqXriyKepvsZP2eIiJMKrFl&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=2d226685318fd822d8f67bc30effde47&oe=5DE89B2C)

 :lol:

Sounds like it worked perfectly!   :lol3:

One Sunday morning, the preacher noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.

It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the preacher walked up; stood beside the little boy; and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning, Preacher," he replied, still  focused on the plaque. "Preacher, what is this?"

The preacher replied, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, "Which service, the 8:00 or 10:30?"

 :lol: :lol: :lol: E-cred!

lol...thanks.  Kind of concerned about what Brother Ricky might have to say about it though...  :panic:

A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.

My wife won twice last week.'

I heard this as a southern joke with Bubba and Earl.  :lol:

A priest and a Baptist minister were standing by the side of the road with a sign that said "The end is near." A young fellow came speeding up in a car, read the sign, and began mocking the two men. He tore off down the road, only to have his car go over into a ravine. The minister asked the priest, "You suppose we should just have a sign that says 'Bridge Out'?"

 :lol: :lol: :lol:

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF.
He looked up and me and said "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

That's how the fight started...

Bwaaahaaahaaahaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  :lol: :lol: :lol:

(https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/70148570_10213391973307782_6460192878374158336_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&_nc_oc=AQlkheQNg3nfdDihBPgLX9jWtIlugTkR-C1eWPoy1W_8TOZmivw5D-HZZrBcMSYb5oY&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=1c3d68792edd5e15324f01fcb6b09b3f&oe=5E0EA019)

From someone in your family, 2??

 :lol2:

Ain't nothing cheap about my girls. That's why I stay broke.  :lol2:

Translated:

(https://carlosnewsnetwork.files.wordpress.com/2014/07/finalguesstheemoji3.jpg)

I'm sorry, I don't see 'Greatest dad ever' in there anywhere.  8)

Maybe this:

(https://social.wiuwiu.de/system/accounts/avatars/000/013/105/original/87bc937303942370.png?1522652918)

Drive up Banking :

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card
9 Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brak

I don't know why but that last step made me spit coffee on my screen for some reason.  :lol3:

lol. That was a bit of a surprise wasn't it?

 :lol2:

Yep.  :lol2:

(https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/70776433_3679500515409424_4747882566709673984_n.jpg?_nc_cat=102&_nc_eui2=AeFfCvaDyIkpn-0bUuHc_8aU7DT-gVzlWrrHhlGrq0oX7NLnZ9zwLwCusXUOpPo_VNv6nrdzOIdu6pSgP_l222y1ubV6OV8CmamezdqCnH40gw&_nc_oc=AQmyYVclEq9z1JwziowCz4nfs2n9VjwwNT9J6xN-NmmBUGtFqYPvhy91Wi_ydoFSzFE&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=d6ecb14715ee2a13b49ee67b584b3cac&oe=5E279E9E)

Maybe they should apply at McDonald's.  :lol2:

Even McDonald's has their standards.  :lol2:

At the Sunday morning church service, the minister asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise.
Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was terrible and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from all the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every movement caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a very delicate operation, which lasted for over five hours, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery that was performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, after six weeks, Tom is now out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief.
The minister rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom."
The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

:lol: :lol:

Bwaaahaaahaaahaaa!!!!!!!!!!!  :lol: :lol: :lol:

:lol2:

Whispering in the Library

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.

He asked a girl, "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied, in a loud voice, "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh, "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"

The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The man whispered to her, "I study law and I know how to screw people."

CHICKEN FARMER

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to
file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few
questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,
"What is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "No, No, No, The IRS
won't accept that. Let's try to rephrase it."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a moment and the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken
farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a
prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

After 35yrs Of Boring Marriage, They Finally Go To A Counselor..

After 35 years of marriage, Chech and LF came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, she went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking LF to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as Chech watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to Chech and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

NALT has the funny today.  :lol: :lol:

If you want a good joke, look at my record on the picks this year.

Hahaha

Maybe you think so.  But I'm going fishing.   :lol2: :lol2: :lol2:

Most likely for a new LF.  :lol2:

:lol: :lol: :lol:

 :think:                                  :shh:

(https://bullgatorslounge.com/images/smilies/unknw.gif)  (https://bullgatorslounge.com/images/smilies/brokenhalo.gif)  (https://bullgatorslounge.com/images/smilies/whistle.gif)

(https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/72705293_10221075420023821_1268219923142803456_n.jpg?_nc_cat=104&_nc_oc=AQnNQyBybkkCTZvxGicL4aWOKyAxQoj8qnhAMC2lJaDmvFBy6xBzzvonEeRBxZfs0rE&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=2e2e81f779b44f346184eac33b98b41b&oe=5E1E731D)

A local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.

 

“He's a funeral director,” she answered.
 

‘Interesting,’ the newsman thought to himself.
 

He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
 

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.  After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, and a preacher when in her 60’s, and now - in her 80’s - a funeral director.
 

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
 

 She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”

:lol: :lol: :lol:

 :lol3:

Perhaps Runt could work that one into his show.

 :lol:

:lol3:

(https://scontent-dfw5-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/73370550_2484326631649841_4712770758093307904_n.jpg?_nc_cat=109&_nc_oc=AQnF2D9givjGkaiaIDl6IUHXtnReFLo2sjkkdvOsZ3MJ8BVLSoeIsnzTJc6tb97YHC4IRtCkcSTPOQu70AiWMOQW&_nc_ht=scontent-dfw5-1.xx&oh=ac39885bdbbdc6f0eaa5c4bb2d8255a4&oe=5E5916A8)

 :lol: :lol:  Bhwaaaaaahahahaha

(https://scontent-dfw5-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/66231864_888328718198098_9022775928597512192_n.jpg?_nc_cat=108&_nc_oc=AQnFdzFkmqHMlw2_en8lRR08anh_8zM7RDndCEsZJ7lXU8yPyEDhlNGfVp_sOwjS7QdX02omrea-rozf7O57nFRr&_nc_ht=scontent-dfw5-1.xx&oh=5ccb8419f1660abe9b9e92a54917ff85&oe=5E3FAAA9)

(https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/79096051_595463929331_688174939026489344_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&_nc_ohc=QwjnogeuuhYAQmq54YaImyc4k4hP9EVYWp1mErkjJM8MAxuGZm5oOKe7w&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=502ddfdee57c49dd216e85b2be58d40f&oe=5E828729)

(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/78731489_156708472339862_1601388404673609728_n.jpg?_nc_cat=103&_nc_ohc=DDnLaWho2zYAQkyPPa42HBgN-TJiBNXeMLB23ni9WCzUiX27elf6wOFjA&_nc_ht=scontent-iad3-1.xx&oh=836e02317ba3fa553e4b9afef2c15e04&oe=5EB44D45)

1. THINGY (thing-ee) N.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-NE-Ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-in- Kay-shon) N.
Female.. The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) N.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn- ment) N.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male..... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-U-lens) N.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king Luv) N.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (RI-moht kon-trohl) N.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.​

One day, farmer Williams was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, he now had a problem, how to carry all of his purchases home?

The livestock dealer said: "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked: "Can you tell me how to get to 123 Township Road?"

The farmer said: "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 132 Township Road. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time"

The little old lady said: "How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The farmer said: "Holy smokes lady, I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady said: "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

:lol: :lol:

:lol: :lol:

 :lol: :lol: :lol: Good 'uns, NALT!

"OLD" is when... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love." and you answer, "Honey, pick one because I can't do both!"

"OLD" is when... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" is when... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" is when...Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" is when...You don't care your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" is when...You are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" is when..."Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" is when... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" is when...An "all nighter" means not getting up to go to the bathroom.

(https://scontent-dfw5-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/81191711_3047088458657086_839496480929611776_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_oc=AQm39yYEYDy8pD5cm7qzsaIFrA5axiOt_LU21RiS8J2dTYh1LiqZEnbRVH8XArixn98&_nc_ht=scontent-dfw5-1.xx&oh=015a89f3cc85fe8d5b98b89d488bc651&oe=5EB45BF9)

(https://boyslifeorg.files.wordpress.com/2015/12/holiday-03.jpg?w=700&h=804)

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL:

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

😎 Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Call fire brigade to retrieve the f------ cat from tree across
the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie the little b**tard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect "mutant cat from hell" and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

1) Wrap it in cheese.

:lol: :lol: :lol: That is another old one but still really funny.
My preferred method for giving a cat a pill is...

(https://thumbs.gfycat.com/RedInferiorArabianwildcat-size_restricted.gif)

 :-X

:stop: :stop: :stop: :stop: :stop:  >:( >:(

 :lol2:

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EMRrmVfU8AAFTvg.jpg)

 :lol: :lol:

I love that idea.  I may even try it sometime if I can get Mrs. Nalt out of the house for a few hours...   :lol3:

Ecred for that one CP...  #+ #+ #+

Husband and Wife are Christmas Shopping when she suddenly notices that her husband was missing, and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell.
The wife said, " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.
"Well I'm in the gun shop next door to that"



@ Chech, this joke IS NOT political so please leave it here...    :lol3:

 :lol:

(https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/83766739_2743110605738190_534857152158760960_n.jpg?_nc_cat=110&_nc_oc=AQkcZWXt-Hu-2dW9QYvEFYOq97oH-n8EeD_MJBHmk5kJuC8aLSEsQxqCVdON5jNRWAw&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=35a6642d352e8c1c87f7e2cdfce0f73b&oe=5ECBC7A1)

His wife goes into the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if Viagra really worked.
The pharmacist assured her that it really did.
She asked, "Can you get it over the counter?"
The Pharmacist said, "Probably, but I would have to take two."

New
Old man Chech goes into the pharmacy with a RX for Viagra. He asks the pharmacist to cut them into quarters. The pharmacist tells him the dose will be to small for him to get a full erection. Chech replies “ I’m 96 and don’t want an erection I just want it sticking out far enough I don’t pee on my slippers! “

(https://bullgatorslounge.com/images/smilies/new5_muttley.gif)

 :dunno: :dunno:

 :stop:   :lol2:

 :lol: :lol: :lol:

I heard that joke, but the ending was different.  More like:

Old man goes into the pharmacy with a RX for Viagra. He asks the pharmacist to cut them into quarters. The pharmacist tells him the dose will be to small for him to get a full erection. Old man replies “ I’m 96 and don’t want a full erection; just want to stop rolling out of bed! “
 :lol2:

:lol: :lol: :lol:

That version is funny too but I liked it better when it had the "Chech" spin on it.   ;)

Since we're on Viagra jokes........

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me potent."

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" and said, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours."

The guy says, "Gimme three boxes."

The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy, goes up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's member is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.

The man says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay."

The pharmacist replies, "Ben Gay? You're not going to put Ben Gay on that are you?"

The man says, "No, it's for my arms - the girls didn't show up."

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.

 :lol:  Those were all good.   :worship: :worship:

I went out for a Chinese dinner last night and got to chatting to the waiter.  He told me he lived in Japan during the war and was a kamikaze pilot.  He said his "Code name" was "Chow Mein."  I said, "Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't kamikaze pilots sacrifice their own lives?"  He replied, "Yes, but I was Chicken Chow Mein."

 :lol:

Saw on the news that an American woman stuck in China was worried about the coronavirus, so she and the kids stayed inside their apartment afraid to go out or even open the door.

Her son was tiring of the claustrophobia, so he opened the window and ... INFLUENZA !!
 :panic: :panic: :panic:

I didn't know Enza could fly.  :lol:

 8)

(https://media1.giphy.com/media/roOxaU0528o1y/source.gif)

What do you do if someone has a seizure in a bathtub?




















Throw in your laundry.


 :-X

Valentine's Day is for pretty girls.  But don't feel bad for the ugly girls because they have their own holiday...  Halloween.

 :lol3:

 :lol: :lol:  #-

Earl and Johnny go out on a hunting trip together. The nights are already cold so they don’t mind sharing the tent for one. At around 1 am, Earl wakes up suddenly: “Johnny, what do you think you’re doing?!”

Johnny: “My hands are cold, I was just warming them between these two pillows.”

Earl: "THOSE AREN'T PILLOWS!"

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a

sign out of the corner of his eye.....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a

second thought......Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real....Then

he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive....On

the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign

next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell....The door is answered by a

nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my

son?".....He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was

interested in possibly doing business.".......

"Very well, my son. Please follow me." .He is led through many

winding passages and is soon quite disoriented....The nun stops at a

closed door and tells the man, Please knock on this door".............

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin

cup answers the door.....This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the

cup,then go through the large wooden door at the end of this

hallway".......

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it

shut behind him........

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking

lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST.

FRANCIS.

SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.

 :lol: :lol: :lol:

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John’s wife died suddenly.

When he got back on shore Joe went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said: “I’m so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.”

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: “Oh no! Fact is I’m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn’t very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The da#@ fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle…”

Old lady fainted........

Grammar lesson...

Everyone can use a little “grammar” update now and then; so here’s yours for today... enjoy!

Is it "complete", "finished" or "completely finished"?[​IMG]

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words - "Complete" or "Finished".

In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was: "How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED."

Here is his astute answer:

"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch!

I bet he frequented the Nun's house of ill repute.  :lol:

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway,
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers
him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she
hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture
about eight times.

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the
peanuts themselves , whereupon she replies that it is not possible
because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old
lady answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."

Bwaaahaaahaaahaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!  :lol: :lol: :lol:

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
 
The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
 
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"
 
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
   
The Air Force pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum!!!

All my years of flying, I have only twice sat beside a woman who I would have possibly wanted to try that with.  Most of the time I'm seated next to either old, ugly women or guys... No thanks...

Mr. and Mrs Boudreaux were painting their camp..... When finished
he notice dat the misses had miss placed one of the hinges fer
the bedroom door......... Boudreaux gave her tree dollars and sent
her to Thibodeaux's Hardware down da bayou..... When she walked in...... There was a prutty Vase on the top shelf....... Thibodeaux came over and took it down fer her..... she looked on the bottom of it and saw a $100.00 tag on it.... well she almost fainted........... she handed it back and said dat Boudreaux had sent her in to get a hinge fer the door....... Okay said Thibodeaux ,I have some in the back..... I'll be right back....... A short time later..... Thibodeaux howlerd from the back and said... Hey Mrs Boudreaux , you want a screw fer that hinge....... She saw NO !!!!! , But I will......
fer dat VASE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and shortly after, a story in an LA newspaper read: "California archaeologists' discovery of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later. A local newspaper in Kentucky reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Hazard, KY Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Kentucky had already gone wireless."

Father O'Reilly was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that little Johnny was wearing a red fireman's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever. When the priest got closer to the lad, he noticed that little Johnny had a rope tied around the poor dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly.

Smiling, Father O'Reilly spoke softly to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there, son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you lot faster if you tied that rope around his neck."

"Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren.

 :lol: :lol: :lol:

And one for Preacher:


When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."
"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "
"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."
1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"
2) How many seconds are in a year?
3) What is God's first name?
"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."
St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."
"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."
"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.
"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"
St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."
"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."
"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"
"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."
St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"

Here is a good one for 2:



New
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"

And another one for Preacher...


A minister decided to try something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind." The pastor shouted out, "Cross!"

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison "The Old Rugged Cross."

The pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said, "Power!" The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood."

The Pastor said, "Sex!"

The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, from the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'

'Eight', the boy replied.

The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'

The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."

"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.

"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike.

Right now, he can't do none of those."

 :lol: :lol: :lol:

I can't swim or play tennis.  I wonder if they would help me at my age?   ???

Certainly.  And they're cheaper than DEPENDS!   :lol2:

I guess you would know, huh?

(https://bullgatorslounge.com/images/smilies/nana.gif)

(https://bullgatorslounge.com/images/smilies/haha.gif)

There are  good 'uns on this page.

"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words,
such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with
a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with
the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location.
This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the twisted crop:

.. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi passing by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, -"Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was somebody really special."

Cabbie: "Oh hell, there's more! He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything---. Not like me - I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished, too. He was the perfect man! I never knew him to make a mistake! No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger:"An amazing fellow.How did you meet him?

Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank.

He died … and I married his wife."

Good 'uns!  :lol:

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. "

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

:jump: :jump:
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

“This is your great-grandma and great grandpa,” I told my grandson as I handed him a photo of my parents. “Do you think I look like them?”

He shook his head. “Not yet.”

_______________________________________________________

While shopping for a bathroom scale, I found one that tracks not only weight but also body fat, bone mass, and water percentage. I nixed that one in favor of a low-tech model. As I told the salesperson, “I don’t need to be depressed four ways; one is quite enough.”

_______________________________________________________

After my wife accidentally swallowed my prostate medication, our daughter called a pharmacist to ask whether there was any cause for alarm. He replied, “Only if she starts hanging out at hardware stores and buys a lot of power tools.”

_______________________________________________________

I was in the emergency room when a young male nurse came in to ask routine medical questions.

Nurse: Have you ever had a hysterectomy?

Me: Yes.

Nurse: When?

Me: 2011.

Nurse: Do you think you could be pregnant?

Me: Do you think this is the right career for you?

_________________________________________________

Our doctor’s office called to let my husband know that the results from his blood tests came back and he was just fine. That didn’t suit my husband.

“What’s my cholesterol level?” he asked.

“Mr. Crocker, you are just fine,” insisted the nurse.

“Still, I’d like you to mail me the results.”

A few days later, he received a postcard from the doctor’s office. It read, “Mr. Crocker, you are just fine!”

A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies.

The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from West Virginia . This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentucky huntin’ license, boy?”

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Kentucky duck. This duck’s from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee license?”

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain’t no Tennessee duck. This here duck’s from Virginia. . You got a Virginia. huntin’ license?”

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia. hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly “Just where the hell are you from?"

“The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said “You tell me, you’re the expert!!”

An old man goes to answer a knock at the door one evening only to find two deputy’s standing there.

“Sir, are you married?” One deputy asked.
“Why yes,” the old man replied “for 48 years.”

“Do you have a photograph of your wife sir?” the second deputy questioned.

The old man pulled a picture out of his wallet and handed it to the officers.

They looked it over and handed it back to him. “Sir, I’m sorry but it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”

The old man says, “I know, son, but she’s got a wonderful personality and she’s a great cook.”

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

:lol:

Maria was just married and, being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria," he mother said: "Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and said: "Mama, Mama, Tony has a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," the mother said: "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants, exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother: "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he has hairy legs!" "Don't worry," her mother said: "All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs: "Mama, Mama, Tony has a foot and a half!" "Stay here and stir the pasta," the mother said: "This is a job for Mama."

Middle of the afternoon an ambulance rolls into the ER bay and the EMT's wheel a man out on the gurney. Unconscious, face is battered and blue, both eyes swollen shut and there is a seven iron wrapped around his neck. ER docs work on him for a couple of hours, finally get the seven iron off and he slowly regains his senses. They ask him what happened.

"Not sure Doc. Wife and I were playing golf and she shanked one out of bounds into a pasture. We looked and looked for her ball but couldn't find it. Then I saw something white and shiny stuck in the back of a cow's privates. I go over and sure enough it's a golf ball. The last thing I remember is lifting the cow's tail and hollering - Hey Hon, I think this looks like yours!!"

2 oldies but goodies!  :lol: :lol:

The jokes or you and Chech?

 :lol: :lol: :lol:

 ;)

Stan Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory. For many years, he had a powerful, almost uncontrollable desire to put his manhood in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he finally sought professional help from the factory psychologist. After six months of intense therapy, however, the frustrated therapist gave up. He then advised Stan to go ahead and do it, otherwise he would probably never have any peace of mind. The next day Stan came home from work very early. His wife, Stella, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.

For the first time, Stan tearfully confessed to her his tormenting desire to put his manhood in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.

Stella gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find everything normal. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"

Stan replied, "I think she got fired, too."

Amazo the magician was performing at senior care center, and put on, what he thought, was the performance of his life. But he couldn't help but notice that this elderly lady kept looking down and seemed distracted.

When he finished he approached her and said, "I'm sorry mam, but you didn't seem to enjoy my performance. Don't you know who I am?"

She replied, "No sir, but if you'll check with that nice nurse at the front desk, she can tell you who you are."

 :(  Too close to home!

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Two good ol’ boys in an Auburn trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, “If’n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin’ and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?”

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, “Well, I don’t know about kin, but it would make us even.”

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately,there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question.The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.

Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a pair no matter how big they are."

 :lol: :lol: One I haven't heard before.  #+

But no Aub is that smart!   :lol2:

It was a bright Sunday morning and Mr. Smith is reading his morning paper at the front porch when his only child came up to him.

“Dad, I’m pregnant,” confessed the child.

Mr. Smith just looked up, shook his head, and continued reading.

“That’s it? Aren’t you going to say something? Are you mad? Are you happy? Won’t you even congratulate me?” cried the child.

Mr. Smith calmly looked at the child and said, “What is wrong with you, Robert?”

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

That one would actually be really funny if it weren't potentially true...   :facepalm:

Two farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes."

Bob agrees it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"I have a family.

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a Heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that just because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar.

He tells Bob about his classes, how he signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What’s that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."

"Then you're gay"

One of my all time favorite jokes!  :lol: :lol: :lol:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200228/5ebc751989fdad247cec0f30c9a36ce5.jpg)

 :lol: :lol: :lol:

(https://scontent-dfw5-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/88011796_10218523990949133_2019868358475776000_n.jpg?_nc_cat=101&_nc_sid=8024bb&_nc_oc=AQkTz-DOs2V9PAYNj8wFmIoGVHZjH6xdlHr4h3zK4RqtpYlw32BDfr1VnWAspEasfDENJR3YdxehI59VKp2Xoa8x&_nc_ht=scontent-dfw5-1.xx&oh=69c7b5bcd2d0a2a84c2afffb00204cbd&oe=5EBE3BFA)

 :lol: :lol:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lWJXDG2i0A

Great song!  #+

And lovely children in the video.   :unsure:

(https://thefunnybeaver.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/corona-virus-meme-467x500.jpg)

(https://66.media.tumblr.com/c17b343697604522f0d25ef5adece9a0/2f4ed8dd0ec2f096-a5/s1280x1920/b6b5273e32ef84d84674ed94f9115284cc7e2630.jpg)

 :lol: :lol: :lol:

Extra Bitter. HTH

I'm sure Chech knows all about this one so I'll defer to him for verification... :lol2:



It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date
with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. "Have
a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade?
Iced tea?"

"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the
malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.

"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends,
that's all they do!"

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.

"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if
we let her!"

"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about
alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a
picture wearing a pink blouse and full circle skirt, and with her hair
tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the
house and slammed the front door behind her.

"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "The dance is
called the Twist!"

Marriage (Part I )
Typical macho man married
typical good-looking lady, and
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

'I'll be home when I want, if I want, at what time I want, --and
I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't
be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing,
and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules.
Any comments?'

His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me.
Just understand. . .
there will be sex here
at seven o'clock every night...
whether you're here or not.'
(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)
** ****************************

Marriage Part II

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'

'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last.'

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)


****************************
Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty, and
decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'

She says, 'I was in bed.'
'In bed this early, doing what?'
'Getting a second opinion!'

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

****************************
Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,
' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

**************************
THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said,
'It is 5:00 AM Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Oldies but goodies. C'mon NALT, I need some new material.  :popcorn2:

Ok, but you asked for it...

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing so his friend calls 911. 'My friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator replies, "Calm down sir, first make sure that he's really dead." There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Ok, now what?"

That is a really funny one with the parody video... 

 :lol:

My friend gave me his epi-pen as he was dying.

Seemed really important to him that I have it!   :dunno:

 :lol: New one! E-cred!

Billy Bob and Bubba were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Bubba,
"Yaw know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna
do it different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Bubba asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

"I'm taking Earlene with me."

Memorable Password




Always choose an acceptable password!



A lady helps her husband install a new computer.
Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password,
Selecting a word that he'll always remember.
As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife
And with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye,
He selects a word:

Mypenis.


As he hits "enter", to validate the selection, his wife
Collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria!!





The computer had replied:




TOO SHORT . . .

A man received the following text from his neighbor:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you have. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it will never happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
darn auto correct-- I meant "WiFi", not "wife". Sorry about that.

Bwaahaahaahaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! E-cred! I haven't heard this one.  :lol: :lol: :lol:

An old man goes to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells him most everything looks good but there is one little thing that he wants to keep an eye on. So he gives the old man his recommendation and tells him to follow it to the letter then come back in three weeks for more tests.

A few days later the doctor is driving through town and he sees the old man walking down the street with a gorgeous blonde hanging on his arm. When the old man comes back for the next visit the doctor mentions seeing him with the girl and asks if she is his granddaughter.

The old man informs the doctor that the blonde is his new girlfriend. The doctor can't believe what he's just heard and begins to caution the old man about trying to keep up with the physical demands of younger women.

The old man is surprised by that and says, "I'm only doing what you told me to the last time I was here, Get a hot momma and be cheerful."

The doctor tells him, "I said you've got a heart murmur, be careful."

 :lol2:  I think the old man's treatment was prolly better for his health.   :lol2:

 :lol: :lol: Good-un!

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in its mouth.

Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in it's mouth, I grabbed it right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.  So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.  It's eyes rolled back, and it went limp.

I released the snake into the lake without incident and carried on fishing, using the frog.

Not long after, I felt a nudge on my foot.  It was that stupid snake...with two more frogs.

 :lol: :lol: :lol: You're on a roll!

Walmart is opening a Dental office in it's stores in the Auburn area.  There will be an Express lane for people with 12 teeth or less.

:lol:

That's gonna be a looooooooong line.  :lol:

:lol2: :lol3:

New
All men are seduced into believing they're marrying

nymphomaniacs.

The great problem is, after a few years,

the nympho leaves....

But the maniac stays on.

 :lol2: :lol2: :lol2:

A well known university had just completed installation of what was felt to be the most leading edge computer in the world. As might be expected, a number of senior members of the faculty were pushing back against the change.

The administration decided it might help if the computer were "introduced" to skeptical faculty members by inviting them to interact with the computer. Someone suggested that a YouTube video should be made in order to publicize the event, thought by all to be a good idea.

At the appointed time, the faculty group was ushered into the room. The operator told the group about all the enhancements that could be brought to campus life by advancing technology, etc., etc.

Eventually he invited someone from the faculty group to volunteer and ask the computer a question. After a lot of hesitation, an old, gruffy professor asked, "Where is my father?"

In it's synthesized voice "Your father is trout fishing in Montana" replied the computer.

"AHA" shouted the professor, "My father has been dead for 20 Years!" The operator, slightly puzzled, suggested that the professor phrase the question a little differently.

A bit triumphantly, the professor asked, "Where is the husband of my mother?"

The computer, "The husband of your mother has been dead for 20 years. However, your father is still trout fishing in Montana!"

A lesson in making assumptions, especially in thinking the worst…

At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.
It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.

The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child.
She started walking toward the pastor slowly.

Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom's mother fainted.
The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward?
What do you have to say?"
The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."

Back to stupid stuff  :unsure:

A guy is about to get married but has a secret he’s keeps from his fiancé and her family. So, he goes to a priest for some guidance.

Groom: Father, I have been keeping a secret from my fiancé and her family and with the wedding just weeks away. It is so embarrassing and could repulse my fiancé to the point of cancelling the wedding.

Priest: Son, if this lady loves you and the family accepts you, they should be able to move past anything. Tell me about your fiancé.

Groom: Father I’ve been in the Navy and I’ve been to every whore house at every dock in the world. When we docked at Jacksonville, I naturally found the best whore house to visit. There I found the love of my life. This gal will do anything and everything. Now I can’t live without her.

Priest: What about her family.

Groom: Her mom and dad own the whore house. Mom is the head Madam and her dad deals crack out the back. Mom’s sister and brother got married and had a couple of kids, they messed up though. The feds came and took the sister and brother away. My fiancés mom took the kids in and they're know a part of the workforce, at the whorehouse. Her other sister made a fortune in the movies. She moved to California and does porn.

Priest: Son, I’m just at a loss. What kind of secret is so bad you want to keep it from this family?

Groom: My brother attends auburn university

Priest: Oh!

:lol3:

:lol: :lol: :lol:  I'll give you an ecred for that one...

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

There were 5 bottles of hand sanitizer left on a shelf in the Tuscaloosa Kroger, but Alabama's John Petty failed to block out, and a woman rushed ahead of him to get it all.
 :lol2:

 :lol: :lol:

Gotta give credit where credit's due on this one. Pat Dye back in the 80s.  :-[

I was on the recruiting trail down south Alabama. Came up on a rural general store and stopped in for a RC and moon pie. While there nature called so I ask to owner where the restroom was. He politely pointed at the back door so out I go. Got to the outhouse and it was a 2 seater. An old farmer was on the hole so I said hello and went about my business.
Directly the old gent got up and while pulling up his overalls, a 20 dollar bill fell out and went right in the hole. After a long pause, the farmer reached in the bid of his overalls and pulled out another $20 and dropped it down the hole. I couldn't believe it so I had the ask the old guy why in the world he did that.
He said "I figure it ain't worth getting down in that hole for 20 dollars. But $40!"

Pat Dye and Paul "Bear" Bryant were playing golf one nice sunny afternoon in the summer.  Pat was, as usual, getting beat by Bear.  He eventually summoned up the courage to mention to Bear how he was getting depressed because he just couldn't seem to beat Bear at anything they do.  Further, it was effecting his marriage in that Mrs. Dye never wanted to "be" with him lately.  Bear smiled and told Pat, "Pat, let me tell you what to do so that Mrs. Dye will be willing to give you some luvin."  Pat got all excited and told Bear to go ahead and fill him in.  So, Bear told Pat to go home and wait until Mrs. Dye went to bed.  After a few minutes he should  drop his pants, walk into the bedroom and start whacking his junk against the foot-board of the bed.  In fact, Bear guaranteed that would work for Pat.  So that night when Pat got home he sat around and waited.  Directly Mrs. Dye went to bed  so Pat waited about 20 minutes and decided to give Bear's suggestion a try.  He drops his pants, walks proudly into the bedroom and starts whacking his junk as hard as he could against the foot-board.  Mrs. Dye raised her head and with lots of excitement in her voice said, "Bear? Is that you?"

An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play, but was told that there wasn't anybody he could play with because they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play today. Finally, the assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked him how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80-year-old said, "I really don't need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have, is getting out of sand traps." And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th, they were all even. The Pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and two-putt for a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball, which landed on the green and rolled into the cup. Birdie, match and all the money! The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said: "nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?" Replied the octogenarian "I do, would you please give me a hand.

:lol:

 :lol: :lol:

(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/89265133_1582558765215513_5486830951252099072_n.jpg?_nc_cat=108&_nc_sid=8024bb&_nc_oc=AQm3_zMOkK6sA3oSOEa9hsVFU2WChbmknBe_AU5SL9F06lHJYASsZFAFWDbUPVflnxY&_nc_ht=scontent-iad3-1.xx&oh=ed30496f99e45dd0480dd53acb47b7dc&oe=5E988D7F)

This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent.

The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas… although still silent, it stinks terribly." "Good", the doctor said, "now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing."

:lol:

Same lady goes to see the same doctor.  "I hurt all over", she says.  She touches her knee and screams.  She touches her forehead and screams again in pain.

Doc: "You've got a broken finger!"

 :lol2: Another oldie but goody.

(https://static.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/13-5e6f81bf44603__700.jpg)

 :lol: :lol: :lol: Bwaaahaaahaaahaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!

A little girl asks her mom, "Mom, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Her mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What does that mean?" asked the child.

"Go and ask your father I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come ask you."

He took a rag, soaked it in gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent and said, "Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Lulu?"


The little girls said, "She ran out of gas about halfway around the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

:lol: