***The Official CRS Joke Thread***

[Old Tider]

       The ship was sinking fast, but the crew acted swiftly to get the passengers off onto life rafts.  Finally, the crew started piling into the rafts.  When it got down to the last 3-man lifeboat, only the Captain and three of his crew were left behind.  

        The Captain turned to his crew:  "I don't believe these stories about the captain going down with his ship, and since there is only enough room in this lifeboat for three of us, I'm going to ask each of you one question.  Whoever answers correctly can get into the lifeboat."
        The Captain addressed the first sailor, a Bama graduate: "What famous 'Unsinkable' ship went down after striking an iceburg?"  The Bama sailor immediately responded, "The Titanic, sir!" and climbed into the lifeboat.
        Then the Captain asked the second sailor, an Ole Miss grad:  "How many people went down with the Titanic?"  The Ole Miss sailor immediately responded, "One thousand, three hundred and fourty-seven, Sir!" and climbed into the lifeboat.
        Turning to the last sailor, an Aub, the Captain asked: "And what were their names?"

 

[2Stater]

[N.AL-Tider]

A man walked into the ladies department... and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said,
'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '
' What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.'
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic, Salvation Army, Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple.'
The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.
Oh and
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD , E, F, G, and H are the letters used
to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen
and I can't get up!

[Chechem]

Two boys walked over to the Catholic church so one could give his confession.  The other waited outside.

Priest: "What are your sins, my son?"
Boy: "I touched a girl .... under her shirt."
Priest: "Under her bra?"
Boy: "Yeah, but just for a second."
Priest: "Was it Molly?"
Boy: "No, Father, not her."
Priest: "Emma?"
Boy: :No, Father.  I'd rather not say who."
Priest: "Go and sin no more."

Back outside the boys walked to the park. 
"Did you tell Father who she was?"
"No, but I got two good leads on others!!"
 

[N.AL-Tider]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing ."OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."

_________________________________________________________________________

2, just a head's up (no pun intended) for you...ALWAYS PAY UP!

 

[N.AL-Tider]

Group Therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions,” he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."

[2Stater]

 

I thought at first you were going to post this one:

A man went to a shop to buy a bra for his wife, and the shop attendant asked him. Oga what's the size of of your wife bra? The man was confused , and the attendant continues. I mean how big is your wife breast, is it like melon? The man said no, is it like grapefruit? The man said no, is it like orange or mango? The man said no, after a thought the attendant ask. Is it like egg? And the man said yes, fried.

[Chechem]

I thought at first you were going to post this one:

A man went to a shop to buy a bra for his wife, and the shop attendant asked him. Oga what's the size of of your wife bra? The man was confused , and the attendant continues. I mean how big is your wife breast, is it like melon? The man said no, is it like grapefruit? The man said no, is it like orange or mango? The man said no, after a thought the attendant ask. Is it like egg? And the man said yes, fried.

So he bought bandaids? 

[N.AL-Tider]

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star."

Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER. The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood; you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian After I left your office; I
thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

[Chechem]

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star."

Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER. The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood; you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian After I left your office; I
thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

[N.AL-Tider]

My wife called me at work and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
Sounding concerned, I replied, “No…”
She responded, “How about now?”

[2Stater]

  Y'all are better than coffee this morning!

[Chechem]

Y'all are better than coffee this morning!

Not better than coffee, but 

[Hannibal Lecter, MD]

Y'all did a fine job this morning!   I still needed my coffee, but a fine job nonetheless.

[2Stater]

Texan: “Where are you from?” Harvard graduate: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.” Texan: “Ok, where are you from, jackass?”

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

I'm not completely useless. I can always serve as a bad example.

A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please.”

Me: "I just left my job after what that man said to me."
Friend: "What did he say?"
Me:"You're fired."

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