***The Official CRS Joke Thread***

[2Stater]

[N.AL-Tider]

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.

[Chechem]

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.

That'd have played great on Johnny Carson!

[N.AL-Tider]

For Chech since he is posting great pics of various birds around his pacle.

A Georgia woodpecker and a Kentucky woodpecker were
arguing about which state had the toughest trees.
The Georgia woodpecker said that they had a tree that
no woodpecker could peck.
The Kentucky woodpecker challenged him and promptly
pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.
The Georgia woodpecker was in awe.
The Kentucky woodpecker then challenged the Georgia
woodpecker to peck a tree in Kentucky that was absolutely un-peckable.
The Georgia woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
After flying to Kentucky, the Georgia woodpecker
successfully pecked the tree with no problem.
The two woodpeckers were now confused.
How is it that the Kentucky woodpecker was able to
peck the Georgia tree and the Georgia woodpecker was
able to peck the Kentucky tree when neither one was
able to peck the tree in their own state?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to
the same conclusion:
Your pecker is always harder when you're away from
home.

[Chechem]

For Chech since he is posting great pics of various birds around his pacle.

A Georgia woodpecker and a Kentucky woodpecker were
arguing about which state had the toughest trees.
The Georgia woodpecker said that they had a tree that
no woodpecker could peck.
The Kentucky woodpecker challenged him and promptly
pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.
The Georgia woodpecker was in awe.
The Kentucky woodpecker then challenged the Georgia
woodpecker to peck a tree in Kentucky that was absolutely un-peckable.
The Georgia woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
After flying to Kentucky, the Georgia woodpecker
successfully pecked the tree with no problem.
The two woodpeckers were now confused.
How is it that the Kentucky woodpecker was able to
peck the Georgia tree and the Georgia woodpecker was
able to peck the Kentucky tree when neither one was
able to peck the tree in their own state?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to
the same conclusion:
Your pecker is always harder when you're away from
home.

[2Stater]

For Chech since he is posting great pics of various birds around his pacle.

A Georgia woodpecker and a Kentucky woodpecker were
arguing about which state had the toughest trees.
The Georgia woodpecker said that they had a tree that
no woodpecker could peck.
The Kentucky woodpecker challenged him and promptly
pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.
The Georgia woodpecker was in awe.
The Kentucky woodpecker then challenged the Georgia
woodpecker to peck a tree in Kentucky that was absolutely un-peckable.
The Georgia woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
After flying to Kentucky, the Georgia woodpecker
successfully pecked the tree with no problem.
The two woodpeckers were now confused.
How is it that the Kentucky woodpecker was able to
peck the Georgia tree and the Georgia woodpecker was
able to peck the Kentucky tree when neither one was
able to peck the tree in their own state?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to
the same conclusion:
Your pecker is always harder when you're away from
home.

 

[2Stater]

Supposedly a true story:

A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small New England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited.

One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone.

She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor. There was only one other patron in the store: Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.

The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously and the star struck woman smiled demurely. Pull yourself together! She chides herself. You're a happily married woman with three children, you're forty-five years old, not a teenager!

The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction.

When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store? Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something! No ice cream cone was in sight.

With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman. His face broke into his familiar, warm, friendly grin and he said to the woman,

"You put it in your purse."

[N.AL-Tider]

Supposedly a true story:

A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small New England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited.

One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone.

She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor. There was only one other patron in the store: Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.

The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously and the star struck woman smiled demurely. Pull yourself together! She chides herself. You're a happily married woman with three children, you're forty-five years old, not a teenager!

The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction.

When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store? Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something! No ice cream cone was in sight.

With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman. His face broke into his familiar, warm, friendly grin and he said to the woman,

"You put it in your purse."

  I can imagine that probably is true.  Funny too.  Have an Ecred.

[N.AL-Tider]

Here is another oldie but goodie...

Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner.
During the course of the
meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing
how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was.
Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a
relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this
had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the
two react, Mrs. Hester
started to wonder if there was more between Brian
and Stephanie than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I
know what you must be thinking, but I assure you
Stephanie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying,
"Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the
beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she
took it, do you?"

Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an
e-mail just to be sure." So he
sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle
from the house;
I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy
ladle. But the fact remains
that one has been missing ever since you were here
for dinner.


Love, Brian"



Several days later, Brian received a letter from his
mother that read:
"Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie,
and
I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with
Stephanie.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her
own bed, she
would have found the gravy ladle by now.


Love, Mom"

[2Stater]

Here is another oldie but goodie...

Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner.
During the course of the
meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing
how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was.
Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a
relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this
had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the
two react, Mrs. Hester
started to wonder if there was more between Brian
and Stephanie than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I
know what you must be thinking, but I assure you
Stephanie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying,
"Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the
beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she
took it, do you?"

Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an
e-mail just to be sure." So he
sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle
from the house;
I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy
ladle. But the fact remains
that one has been missing ever since you were here
for dinner.


Love, Brian"



Several days later, Brian received a letter from his
mother that read:
"Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie,
and
I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with
Stephanie.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her
own bed, she
would have found the gravy ladle by now.


Love, Mom"

Bwaaahaaahaaahaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  E-cred-worthy as well!

[N.AL-Tider]

The "Code" men live by.  Or at least they should...

Thou shall not rent "Chocolat."

Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father,
priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and
should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his
whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.

You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without
recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call
********. (Exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable
exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.)

If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
off-limits FOREVER!

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's
running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10
minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10
scale.

Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is
forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In
fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional.

**** Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is
trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried
away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your
pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.*****

Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission;
and he, in return, is required to grant it.

Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick
a buffalo wing clean.

If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem - you didn't see
nothin'.

The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

You girlfriend must bond with your buddies' girlfriends within 30
minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her
gal pals' significant d****-heads; low-level sports bonding is all
the law requires.

When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may
always ask the score of the game in progress but you may never ask
who's
playing.

When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney
friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll
be able to warn your buddy and give him time prepare excuses about
joining the priesthood.

(Gas Warfare Act) you may flatulate in front of a woman only after
you've brought her to climax. But if you trap her head under the
covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially
your girlfriend.

It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach...and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel...and it's free.

Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.

If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you
must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his
actions have caused you to think "What this guy needs is a good ***
-whuppin," then you may sit back and enjoy.

Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers." "Nice *** , are you
a
Sagittarius?"

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to
his beer.

Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when
she's withholding sex pending your response.

Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing:
both urinating, both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod
is all the conversation you need.

If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not
join him...too gay.

Before allowing drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must
attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you
in the eye, and deliver a "F__K OFF," you are absolved of your of
responsibility.

The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird
and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion
about what a big mistake it was.

In Black Jack, always split aces and eights. No arguments.

[N.AL-Tider]

A woman joins a country club and one day hears the guys talking about their golf round. She says, “I played on my college’s golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?”

No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spot. Finally, one man says, “Okay, but we start at 6:30 am.” He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, “Okay.”

She’s there at 6:30 am sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She’s fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, “I’ll be there at 6:30, or 6:45.”

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They’re totally amazed. They can’t figure her out. She’s very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she’s 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she’s so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can’t hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.

After the game they decide to have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse. Finally, one of the men asks her, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?”

The lady blushes, and grins. “Well I’m ambidextrous,” she replies. “I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willy points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed.” The guys think this is hysterical and burst into laughter.

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the them asks, “What if it’s pointing straight up?” “Then I’m fifteen minutes late.”

[N.AL-Tider]

An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “They’re coming for Passover and paying their own airfares.”

[N.AL-Tider]

A man takes his wife to get tested.

Two days later, he gets a call from the Dr's office.

Doctor:  I'm sorry to inform you that your wife's test results were mixed up with another patient's.
We're not sure if she has Covid-19 or Alzheimer's disease.

Man:  So what am I supposed to do now?

Doctor:  Take her for a long walk and leave her.  If she finds her way back home, don't open the door.

[N.AL-Tider]

A man and a woman are having dinner in a restaurant.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, spots that the man is slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

As the waitress watches, the man slides all the way under and out of sight. Still, the woman dining opposite him appears not to notice.

Finally, the waitress comes over to the table and whispers discreetly to the woman, “Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.”

“No, he didn’t,” the woman calmly replies. “He just walked in the door.”

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