***The Official CRS Joke Thread***

[Hannibal Lecter, MD]

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun,the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'
'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'
'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, would you like a Drink?'
'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.
'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?”

[pmull]

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.

"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $120. The Hilton charges $168. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

[N.AL-Tider]

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning. One woman lost it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, "I'm too young to die!" Then she yelled, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then the cowboy from Texas stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped...

Then, he spoke... "Iron this -- and then get me a beer."

[2Stater]

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning. One woman lost it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, "I'm too young to die!" Then she yelled, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then the cowboy from Texas stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped...

Then, he spoke... "Iron this -- and then get me a beer."

 

[N.AL-Tider]

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her
morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual
funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman
walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short
distance back, were about 200 women walking single
file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She
respectfully approached the woman walking the dog
and said, "I am so sorry for your loss", I know now
is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a
funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in t he second
hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was
trying to help my husband when the dog turned on
her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed
between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

[N.AL-Tider]

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly, God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They Faxed.

They E-mailed.

They E-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld!!!!

Jesus just sighed...........

Finally, the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching
Frantically, screaming:

'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'

God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES

[2Stater]

  Good one! I hadn't heard that one. Very rare. 

[2Stater]

A man with tickets to the Super Bowl on the 50 Yard Line finds his seat and relaxes. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says. "The seat is empty."

"That's incredible", said the stranger. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, and not use it?"

"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1979."

The stranger replies, "Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. Couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

 

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."

[Hannibal Lecter, MD]

A man with tickets to the Super Bowl on the 50 Yard Line finds his seat and relaxes. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says. "The seat is empty."

"That's incredible", said the stranger. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, and not use it?"

"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1979."

The stranger replies, "Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. Couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

 

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."

An oldie, but apropos for the day.

[N.AL-Tider]

The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Preacher there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my
friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!

[N.AL-Tider]

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford on the subject of modern nutrition.

“The rubbish we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of quiet,
a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said:
“Wedding Cake?”

[N.AL-Tider]

A gentlemanly Louisiana farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 40 something lady dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked; would you like to buy some peaches?

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked; are they as firm as this?

He nodded his head and said, yes ma'am, and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, Are they nice and pink like this?

The farmer said yes, and another tear came from the other eye.

Then the lady unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked; Are they as fuzzy as this?

He again said yes, and broke down crying.

The lady asked, why on earth are you crying?

Drying his eyes he replied, The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a hurricane leveled my barn and now I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches.

[2Stater]

 

[N.AL-Tider]

You may have heard on the news about a southern Californian man...
Who was put under 72 hour psychiatric observation when it was found that he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammo stored in his home.

My favorite quote from the dimwit TV reporter: "Wow! He has a quarter million machine gun bullets." The headline referred to it as a "massive weapons cache."

By southern California standards someone owning 100,000 rounds of ammo would be called "mentally unstable." Just imagine if he lived somewhere else.

In Arizona and New Mexico he'd be "an avid gun collector"

In Arkansas and Oklahoma, he's "a novice gun collector"

In Utah he's "moderately well prepared" but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of food stored.

In Colorado and Montana he's the "neighborhood 'go to' guy"

In Idaho he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate"

In Wyoming, he's "an eligible bachelor"

In Louisiana, Mississippi, and Texas, he would be called "a deer hunting buddy "

And in Alabama, he's just "Bubba" who's short on ammo.

[Hannibal Lecter, MD]

NALT is our very own Jerry Clower.   I believe he grew up at Route 4, Liberty, Mississippi, with Jerry and Uncle Versi.

In other news, I did decide to start a small business on the side recently.   Hanging mirrors professionally.  I'm not quite sure why other than it was just something I could see myself doing.

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