***The Official CRS Joke Thread***

[2Stater]

Four men were out playing golf. They happened to be behind a group with an absolutely gorgeous lady.

On the last hole, they were waiting to hit onto the green. The beautiful young lady waved them up.

“I have noticed you guys gawking over me this whole round,” she said. “If any of you can help me make this putt, I will show you the time of your life.”

The first guy says, “Play it out six inches to the right.”

The second guy says, “Play it out to the left six inches.”

The third guy says, “No, it is straight. Play it in the center of the cup.”

Finally, the fourth guy bends over and picks her ball up and says, “That’s a gimme.”

 

[Hannibal Lecter, MD]

A man walks into a bar with a sad face.  The bartender asks, "What seems to be the trouble?"

“My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”

The bartender says, "Well, maybe that's a good thing... a little peace and quiet?"

“Yeah but today is the last day.”

[2Stater]

A man walks into a bar with a sad face.  The bartender asks, "What seems to be the trouble?"

“My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”

The bartender says, "Well, maybe that's a good thing... a little peace and quiet?"

“Yeah but today is the last day.”

 

[N.AL-Tider]

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered the door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife." said one trooper...
"Tell me, please! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay..."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "Well, what's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound King crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

[2Stater]

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered the door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife." said one trooper...
"Tell me, please! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay..."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "Well, what's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound King crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

Bwaaahaaahaaahaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

[N.AL-Tider]

My grandfather passed away and at the funeral I asked my grandmother......grandmother, what happened? I thought granddad was in pretty good shape for his age....even if he was 92 years old.

My grandmother told me it happened on Sunday morning. She told me they were making love when it happened. I couldn't believe what she told me. I mentioned to her....92 years old and you two were making love???!!!

She said every Sunday morning....in rhythm with the church bells. Ding......dong.....ding....dong. In with the ding....out with the dong.

I couldn't believe what she just told me.......

With tears in her eyes she said my grandfather would still be here today if it wasn't for that ice cream truck ringing it's bell!!!!

[N.AL-Tider]

Bob was excited about his new .308 rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear, and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That bear was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering it briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Bob.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the same black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Bob. That bear was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Bob thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than to be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob. Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered.

Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down that grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it, Bob, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?

[2Stater]

  You're on a roll, NALT!

[N.AL-Tider]

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A woman walks past and says, snickering, “If you were a gentleman you’d lift your hat.” He raised an eyebrow and replied, “If you weren’t so ugly, it would lift itself”

@ 2 & Chech,  This joke reminds me of the "woman" that you guys had to deal with a few years back when y'all were fishing on the beach... 

[2Stater]

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A woman walks past and says, snickering, “If you were a gentleman you’d lift your hat.” He raised an eyebrow and replied, “If you weren’t so ugly, it would lift itself”

@ 2 & Chech,  This joke reminds me of the "woman" that you guys had to deal with a few years back when y'all were fishing on the beach... 

  Ole purple hair!

[N.AL-Tider]

A big game hunter went on safari with his wife and she insisted that her mother be invited as well.

The first morning, while deep in the jungle, the wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and they started out into the bush to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: his mother-in-law was backed up against a big rock, and a large lion stood right in front of her.

The wife cried, “What are we going to do?”

“Nothing,” said the hunter-husband. “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”

[2Stater]

A big game hunter went on safari with his wife and she insisted that her mother be invited as well.

The first morning, while deep in the jungle, the wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and they started out into the bush to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: his mother-in-law was backed up against a big rock, and a large lion stood right in front of her.

The wife cried, “What are we going to do?”

“Nothing,” said the hunter-husband. “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”

 

[N.AL-Tider]

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,
'Hello?''Hi honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?'
'No, Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'
After a brief pause,
Daddy says :
'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'
'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,
right now..'
Brief Pause.
'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs
And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'
'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'
A few minutes later
The little girl comes back to the phone.
'I did it, Daddy.'
'And what happened, honey?'
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
And now she isn't moving at all!'
'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too..
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
And into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water
Last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'
Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says :
'Swimming pool? ...........
Is this 305-486-57.........

[N.AL-Tider]

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

"She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie.

I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.

Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote...

"I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes."

[2Stater]

 

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