***The Official CRS Joke Thread***

[N.AL-Tider]

Middle of the afternoon an ambulance rolls into the ER bay and the EMT's wheel 2Stater out on the gurney. Unconscious, face is battered and blue, both eyes swollen shut and there is a seven iron wrapped around his neck. ER docs work on him for a couple of hours, finally get the seven iron off and he slowly regains his senses. They ask him what happened.

 "Not sure Doc. Wife and I were playing golf and she shanked one out of bounds into a pasture. We looked and looked for her ball but couldn't find it. Then I saw something white and shiny stuck in the back of a cow's privates. I go over and sure enough it's a golf ball. The last thing I remember is lifting the cow's tail and hollering - Hey Hon, I think this looks like yours!!"

[2Stater]

  MALT bringing the funnies today!

[Chechem]

I used to spend Christmas holidays fishing in Belize!   

[2Stater]

I used to spend Christmas holidays fishing in Belize!   

 

[2Stater]

[2Stater]

His name was Chechem, he was from Mississippi ... And he needed a loan, So ... he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International Fish Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000; and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so Chech handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the rube from Mississippi for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Mississippian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished professor from Ole Miss University, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

Chech replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

[Chechem]

His name was Chechem, he was from Mississippi ... And he needed a loan, So ... he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International Fish Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000; and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so Chech handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the rube from Mississippi for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Mississippian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished professor from Ole Miss University, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

Chech replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

[N.AL-Tider]

His name was Chechem, he was from Mississippi ... And he needed a loan, So ... he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International Fish Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000; and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so Chech handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the rube from Mississippi for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Mississippian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished professor from Ole Miss University, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

Chech replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Wow!  Chech is "highly sophisticated?"  Who knew? 

[2Stater]

His name was Chechem, he was from Mississippi ... And he needed a loan, So ... he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International Fish Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000; and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so Chech handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the rube from Mississippi for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Mississippian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished professor from Ole Miss University, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

Chech replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Wow!  Chech is "highly sophisticated?"  Who knew? 

Apparently the NY banker. 

[N.AL-Tider]

His name was Chechem, he was from Mississippi ... And he needed a loan, So ... he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International Fish Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000; and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so Chech handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the rube from Mississippi for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Mississippian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished professor from Ole Miss University, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

Chech replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Wow!  Chech is "highly sophisticated?"  Who knew? 

Apparently the NY banker. 

[N.AL-Tider]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

 "Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

 "OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

 "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

 A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

 The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

 The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

 After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

 So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together Is there some sort of secret to this?"

 Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[2Stater]

Weight Loss Program

 

 A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

 

 The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

 

 She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

 

 Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

 

 He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

 

 Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

 

 Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

 

 "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

 

 The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

 

 He lost 33 lbs that week..

[N.AL-Tider]

Weight Loss Program

 

Ecred!  With this bit of knowledge though I have signed up for just the 5, 10, and 25 pound programs...We'll see how this turns out...

[Chechem]

Weight Loss Program

 

Ecred!  With this bit of knowledge though I have signed up for just the 5, 10, and 25 pound programs...We'll see how this turns out...

I'm bringing a TAZER GUN.   

[N.AL-Tider]

Weight Loss Program

 

Ecred!  With this bit of knowledge though I have signed up for just the 5, 10, and 25 pound programs...We'll see how this turns out...

I'm bringing a TAZER GUN.   

Not me.  I'll be bringing my AR10...    I'm afraid he might get back up after being tazed...

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