***The Official CRS Joke Thread***

[2Stater]

Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night, celebrating St Patrick’s Day.
 
Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’.
 
Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
 
‘da#@’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ‘oh bloody da#@!’
 
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine.
 
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
 
‘Be-Jesus… I’m in bloody trouble,’ he says.
 
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
 
He takes a look up the stairs and says ‘No bloody way....’
 
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed’. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ‘da#@ it’ and falls into bed.
 
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’
 
Paddy says, ‘I did, Jess. I was bloody pissed. But how did you know?’
 
‘Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.’

[N.AL-Tider]

Ok, ok.  I'll start posting them here instead of their own thread each time... Was just trying to have a little fun at each of our expenses... 

[N.AL-Tider]

An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and an Army General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves,
 when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will
 think I've been in a whorehouse!"

 The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on me. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

[N.AL-Tider]

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the
 following conversation takes place:

 Nalt: "You have no idea what I had to do to be
 able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I'd paint every room in the house next weekend."

 2Stater: "That's nothing. I had to promise my
 wife I'd build her a new deck for the pool."

 Chech: "Man! You both have it easy! I had to
 promise my wife I'd remodel the kitchen for her."

 They continue to fish when they realize that the
 fourth guy hasn't said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

 Some random guy on the beach: "I just set the alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut it down, gave the wife a nudge and said,
 "Fishing or sex?" and she said, "Wear a sweater."

[2Stater]

Ok, ok.  I'll start posting them here instead of their own thread each time... Was just trying to have a little fun at each of our expenses... 

I was trying to be a good mod and merge all the jokes into this thread, but I tarded everything up instead. 

Good ones, NALT!

[Chechem]

 

Some good ones, guys.

Maybe we should post a bunch of separate threads every day. 
Oh wait; already done here on CRS.   

[N.AL-Tider]

A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

 Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing
 new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour
 pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they
 were very much in favour of it.

 The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even
 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But
 as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go
 ahead and kick it up a notch.

 The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was
 still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and
 was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for
 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.

 Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the
 husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

 The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband
 continued to experience no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.



 When they got home they found the mailman dead on the porch.

[2Stater]

A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

 Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing
 new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour
 pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they
 were very much in favour of it.

 The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even
 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But
 as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go
 ahead and kick it up a notch.

 The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was
 still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and
 was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for
 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.

 Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the
 husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

 The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband
 continued to experience no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.



 When they got home they found the mailman dead on the porch.

 

[2Stater]

A mountain man went to the dentist.
The dentist said "You've got a really badly infected tooth that I'm going to have to pull. I'll give you a shot and when you're numb I'll pull the tooth."

The mountain man replied "Don't worry about the shot, I can take the pain. Just pull it outa there."

So the dentist dug and tugged and pulled the bad tooth out and the mountain man never even flinched. Afterward, the dentist said "I've never seen anyone with such a high tolerance for pain. Haven't you ever said 'Ouch!' in your life?"

The mountain man said "Just twice. Once when I was squattin' in the woods to do my business and I didn't realize I was over a bear trap until it closed on my nards."

"Good heavens!" said the dentist. "When was the other time?"

"When the slack let out of that chain."

[N.AL-Tider]

A guy calls his buddy, Jamos, the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

 Jamos asks, "How will I recognize him?"

 "That's easy. He's a midget with a speech impediment."

 So the midget shows up, and Jamos asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

 "A female horth," the midget replies. So Jamos shows him a prized filly.

 "Nithe lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?" So Jamos picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

 "Nithe eyeth. Can I thee her earzth?" So he picks the little fella up again and shows him the horse's ears.

 "Nithe earzth, can I see her mouf?" By now Jamos is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

 "Nithe mouf, can I see her twatt?" Totally mad as fire at this point, Jamos grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twatt, pulls him out and slams him onto the ground.

 The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.


 "Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"

[ricky023]

Well I know one thing you can't accuse the Milkman anymore cause there ain't one. RTR!

[2Stater]

A guy calls his buddy, Jamos, the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

 Jamos asks, "How will I recognize him?"

 "That's easy. He's a midget with a speech impediment."

 So the midget shows up, and Jamos asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

 "A female horth," the midget replies. So Jamos shows him a prized filly.

 "Nithe lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?" So Jamos picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

 "Nithe eyeth. Can I thee her earzth?" So he picks the little fella up again and shows him the horse's ears.

 "Nithe earzth, can I see her mouf?" By now Jamos is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

 "Nithe mouf, can I see her twatt?" Totally mad as fire at this point, Jamos grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twatt, pulls him out and slams him onto the ground.

 The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.


 "Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"

Bwaaahaaahaaahaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

That'll get you 2 e-creds!

[cbbama99]

A bar owner who has been having some trouble drawing in patrons decided to start a contest. He brought in his horse, and at the cost of $2 per try, people were asked to try to make the horse jump in the air. The first person to do it would get free drinks for a month.

For three weeks, the contest went great, as no one was able to get the horse to jump and the owner was making a killing. One day a guy walks into the bar and reads about the contest. He pulls out 2 $1 bills, hands them to the owner, then walks out. Five minutes later he returns with two bricks, and goes to the back where the horse was kept. Thirty seconds later, the horse lets out a high whinney and jumps three feet in the air. The owner grudgingly tells the guy he is the winner, and starts him on his month of free drinks.

The owner begins to think "I have to come up with something else now." So he decides to use the horse again, only this time the challenge was to make the horse shake his head yes or no.

Again he makes a killing for about a month, as no one can beat the challenge. On the last day of the month, the same guy walks in and reads about the new contest. He thinks for a moment, puts down his $2, and walks back to the horse. He looks the horse right in the eye:

"You remember what I did to your (testicles) the last time?"
The horse shakes his head yes.
"You want me to do it again?"
The horse shakes his head no.

[N.AL-Tider]

A bar owner who has been having some trouble drawing in patrons decided to start a contest. He brought in his horse, and at the cost of $2 per try, people were asked to try to make the horse jump in the air. The first person to do it would get free drinks for a month.

For three weeks, the contest went great, as no one was able to get the horse to jump and the owner was making a killing. One day a guy walks into the bar and reads about the contest. He pulls out 2 $1 bills, hands them to the owner, then walks out. Five minutes later he returns with two bricks, and goes to the back where the horse was kept. Thirty seconds later, the horse lets out a high whinney and jumps three feet in the air. The owner grudgingly tells the guy he is the winner, and starts him on his month of free drinks.

The owner begins to think "I have to come up with something else now." So he decides to use the horse again, only this time the challenge was to make the horse shake his head yes or no.

Again he makes a killing for about a month, as no one can beat the challenge. On the last day of the month, the same guy walks in and reads about the new contest. He thinks for a moment, puts down his $2, and walks back to the horse. He looks the horse right in the eye:

"You remember what I did to your (testicles) the last time?"
The horse shakes his head yes.
"You want me to do it again?"
The horse shakes his head no.

You got an ecred for that one CB... I'd give that guy that won the contests an ecred too if I could... 

[2Stater]

A Magician was doing his stage show in front of a big audience but saw he wasn't getting anywhere. After trying all the 'tricks', in desperation, he called a big, muscular man out of the audience.

"Sir, I'd like you to take this 20 pound sledge hammer and hit me as hard as you can right in the head."

The man refused.

The magician then said, "Sir, I am a professional. This is the Greatest Illusion. Besides, there are hundreds of witnesses, hit me as hard as you can right in the head with the hammer."

The man shrugged, did it, and the Magician went flying across the stage, hit the wall, and immediately fell into a coma. He was rushed to the hospital, and remained in the coma for years.

Ten years later, he came out of the coma, looked around, and said "Ta-dah!!"

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