***The Official CRS Joke Thread***

[Chechem]

A good friend of mine has two tickets for the 2019 Super Bowl, 50 yard line box seats.
 He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding.

 If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...

 It's at St. Michaels Church, at 3pm. The bride's name is Brittany and she's 5'10", blonde, about 110lbs good cook too.
 She'll be the one with the white dress.

He says, "Thank you in advance."

I can be there for the wedding night.   

[Catch Prothro]

[2Stater]

 

[Chechem]

   

[N.AL-Tider]

A trucker's wife sees three parrots for sale.  $170, $150, and $10.
She asks why the last parrot is so cheap.
The pet store owner said it used to live in a whore house.
The woman laughs and buys it.
She gets home the parrot says, "Wow, a new whore house!"
The woman laughs...
When her 2 daughters come home, the parrot says, "Awesome!  2 new gals!"
They all laugh.
when her husband walks in the door, the parrot says "Hi Joe! Glad you found the new spot!"
And... that's how the fight started...

[N.AL-Tider]

Why you should never question a drunk

As a single mom I was shopping at the local supermarket - where I selected:


A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, "Yes, you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "’Cause you're ugly."

[2Stater]

Why you should never question a drunk

As a single mom I was shopping at the local supermarket - where I selected:


A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, "Yes, you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "’Cause you're ugly."

 

[2Stater]

What do you call a fish without eyes?

Fsh

[Chechem]

How do you circumcise a whale??




You send down 4-skin divers.   

[2Stater]

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
 
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke,  "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

 Silence fell over the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

The entire congregation said, "Amen."

[Chechem]

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
 
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke,  "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

 Silence fell over the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

The entire congregation said, "Amen."

 

[N.AL-Tider]

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
 
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke,  "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

 Silence fell over the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

The entire congregation said, "Amen."

 Ecred for that one...

[Hannibal Lecter, MD]

The old women are always the plain spoken ones.

[2Stater]

The old women are always the plain spoken ones.

The young and middle-aged ones, too. 

[N.AL-Tider]

A couple of Grunts were talking about a moose hunting trip. One wanted to go,, his buddy really didn't.
 He told the first one, "We never even see a moose. All we ever come home with is burned blankets and a hangover".

 The first grunt told him, "It'll be different this year. I've have a 'moose in love' horn, and I also got us a moose suit for a decoy".

 So, off they go. The game plan was to lay a rifle on the ground, get inside the moose suit, and sound the 'moose in love' horn.
 When they call in a moose... The rear Grunt gets out of the suit and shoots it.

 Everything is going as planned.
 The Grunt in the front end is sounding the horn, and soon,  they hear a loud bellow, as a moose answered it.
 The front Grunt sounded it again, it was answered again, but closer.

 After a few more times, the front Grunt tells his buddy, "It's close.... get ready.... I see it, its coming straight at us..."

 The Grunt in the rear says, "The zipper is stuck. I can't get out of this cheap moose suit".

"It's right here...... its as big as an elephant......hurry".
 "I can't get the zipper to move. (Long string of profanity) What do we do now".


 The front Grunt says, "I'm going to bend over and pretend to be eating grass. You probably should brace yourself".

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