***The Official CRS Joke Thread***

[N.AL-Tider]

....
My joke arsenal is pretty loaded. Retrieving them is the issue. 

I know.  And I've heard them all, but as I get older they're still new to me.
 

That's because you have old-timerz…
They say the memory is the first thing to go... Is that right?   

[2Stater]

....
My joke arsenal is pretty loaded. Retrieving them is the issue. 

I know.  And I've heard them all, but as I get older they're still new to me.
 

That's because you have old-timerz…
They say the memory is the first thing to go... Is that right?   

Who are you?

[N.AL-Tider]

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."; Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't mess with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

[N.AL-Tider]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."






What were you thinking?      

[2Stater]

Exactly what happened. I’ve heard it before. 

[N.AL-Tider]

Exactly what happened. I’ve heard it before. 

Let me guess, Chech was the old man in that one?

 

[Chechem]

Exactly what happened. I’ve heard it before. 

Let me guess, Chech was the old man in that one?

 

 

[2Stater]

3 old men were walking outside and talking.

The first old man said, "It's Windy!"

The second man said, "No it's not, it's Thursday."

The third man said, "Me too. Let's go for a beer."

[2Stater]

 
A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY


Dear Diary.

For my sixty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am
still in great shape since playing on my college tennis team 45 years
ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with
my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress

MONDAY

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting
for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and
showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the
treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it
to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching
the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my
workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is
going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air --
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda
was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and
when she scolds, She gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help
me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other s**t too.

THURSDAY

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took
me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid
in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me. Then, as punishment, she
put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY

I hate that b**ch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world Stupid, skinny, anemic
little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on
my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the
floor, don't hand me the barbells or anything that weighs
more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a
health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer,
like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
wife will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root
canal or a vasectomy.

[Hannibal Lecter, MD]

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

[2Stater]

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
 
The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
 
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable!

Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
 
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.

He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"

[N.AL-Tider]

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
 
The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
 
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable!

Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
 
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.

He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"

  I can just imagine that actually happening...

Which also reminds me of a true story that my best friend's wife related to me a few months after his death.  Now, she wasn't the most attractive lady.  In fact, she was very unattractive and badly overweight.  She said that early in their marriage, while Jim was still in the Army, she decided to surprise him when he got home from work by stripping down totally naked and wrapping herself in Saran Wrap.  Well, he got home and she met him at the door when he opened it to come in.  Unbeknownst to her, he had brought one of his army buddies home for dinner.  There she was standing in front of them both wearing NOTHING but that Saran Wrap.  She said she has never been so embarrassed as she was that evening.  I'm just glad that I wasn't the buddy that happened too...   

[2Stater]

Which also reminds me of a true story that my best friend's wife related to me a few months after his death.  Now, she wasn't the most attractive lady.  In fact, she was very unattractive and badly overweight.  She said that early in their marriage, while Jim was still in the Army, she decided to surprise him when he got home from work by stripping down totally naked and wrapping herself in Saran Wrap.  Well, he got home and she met him at the door when he opened it to come in.  Unbeknownst to her, he had brought one of his army buddies home for dinner.  There she was standing in front of them both wearing NOTHING but that Saran Wrap.  She said she has never been so embarrassed as she was that evening.  I'm just glad that I wasn't the buddy that happened too...   

  Bwaaahaaahaaa!!!!! I had to give you an e-cred on that one, NALT.

[N.AL-Tider]

Which also reminds me of a true story that my best friend's wife related to me a few months after his death.  Now, she wasn't the most attractive lady.  In fact, she was very unattractive and badly overweight.  She said that early in their marriage, while Jim was still in the Army, she decided to surprise him when he got home from work by stripping down totally naked and wrapping herself in Saran Wrap.  Well, he got home and she met him at the door when he opened it to come in.  Unbeknownst to her, he had brought one of his army buddies home for dinner.  There she was standing in front of them both wearing NOTHING but that Saran Wrap.  She said she has never been so embarrassed as she was that evening.  I'm just glad that I wasn't the buddy that happened too...   

  Bwaaahaaahaaa!!!!! I had to give you an e-cred on that one, NALT.

Lol. I feel like I earned that one the hard way... 

[N.AL-Tider]

Texas Sheriff's Exam
      
      


         
         A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman.  He grew up big, 6' 2", strong
         as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang.  He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in
         the air at 40 paces.
         
         When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of
         working: with a West Texas Sheriff's Department.  After a series of tests and
         interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young
         man's last interview.
         
         The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot.  So
         far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an
         "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted.
         
         We don't let just anyone carry our badge, son."
         
         Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief
         said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:
         
         six illegal aliens,
         
         six lawyers,
         
         six meth dealers,
         
         six Muslim extremists,
         
         six Democrats,
         
         and a rabbit."
         
         "Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.
         
         
         "You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"

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