***The Official CRS Joke Thread***

[Chechem]

New
Old man Chech goes into the pharmacy with a RX for Viagra. He asks the pharmacist to cut them into quarters. The pharmacist tells him the dose will be to small for him to get a full erection. Chech replies “ I’m 96 and don’t want an erection I just want it sticking out far enough I don’t pee on my slippers! “

 

    

[2Stater]

 

[Chechem]

I heard that joke, but the ending was different.  More like:

Old man goes into the pharmacy with a RX for Viagra. He asks the pharmacist to cut them into quarters. The pharmacist tells him the dose will be to small for him to get a full erection. Old man replies “ I’m 96 and don’t want a full erection; just want to stop rolling out of bed! “
 

[N.AL-Tider]

I heard that joke, but the ending was different.  More like:

Old man goes into the pharmacy with a RX for Viagra. He asks the pharmacist to cut them into quarters. The pharmacist tells him the dose will be to small for him to get a full erection. Old man replies “ I’m 96 and don’t want a full erection; just want to stop rolling out of bed! “
 

That version is funny too but I liked it better when it had the "Chech" spin on it.   

[2Stater]

Since we're on Viagra jokes........

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me potent."

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" and said, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours."

The guy says, "Gimme three boxes."

The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy, goes up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's member is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.

The man says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay."

The pharmacist replies, "Ben Gay? You're not going to put Ben Gay on that are you?"

The man says, "No, it's for my arms - the girls didn't show up."

[2Stater]

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.

[Chechem]

   Those were all good.   

[N.AL-Tider]

I went out for a Chinese dinner last night and got to chatting to the waiter.  He told me he lived in Japan during the war and was a kamikaze pilot.  He said his "Code name" was "Chow Mein."  I said, "Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't kamikaze pilots sacrifice their own lives?"  He replied, "Yes, but I was Chicken Chow Mein."

[2Stater]

I went out for a Chinese dinner last night and got to chatting to the waiter.  He told me he lived in Japan during the war and was a kamikaze pilot.  He said his "Code name" was "Chow Mein."  I said, "Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't kamikaze pilots sacrifice their own lives?"  He replied, "Yes, but I was Chicken Chow Mein."

 

[Chechem]

Saw on the news that an American woman stuck in China was worried about the coronavirus, so she and the kids stayed inside their apartment afraid to go out or even open the door.

Her son was tiring of the claustrophobia, so he opened the window and ... INFLUENZA !!
 

[2Stater]

Saw on the news that an American woman stuck in China was worried about the coronavirus, so she and the kids stayed inside their apartment afraid to go out or even open the door.

Her son was tiring of the claustrophobia, so he opened the window and ... INFLUENZA !!
 

I didn't know Enza could fly. 

[Chechem]

Saw on the news that an American woman stuck in China was worried about the coronavirus, so she and the kids stayed inside their apartment afraid to go out or even open the door.

Her son was tiring of the claustrophobia, so he opened the window and ... INFLUENZA !!
 

I didn't know Enza could fly. 

 

[N.AL-Tider]

Saw on the news that an American woman stuck in China was worried about the coronavirus, so she and the kids stayed inside their apartment afraid to go out or even open the door.

Her son was tiring of the claustrophobia, so he opened the window and ... INFLUENZA !!
 

I didn't know Enza could fly. 

[N.AL-Tider]

What do you do if someone has a seizure in a bathtub?




















Throw in your laundry.


 

[N.AL-Tider]

Valentine's Day is for pretty girls.  But don't feel bad for the ugly girls because they have their own holiday...  Halloween.

 

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