***The Official CRS Joke Thread***

[2Stater]

What do you do if someone has a seizure in a bathtub?




















Throw in your laundry.


 

   

[N.AL-Tider]

Earl and Johnny go out on a hunting trip together. The nights are already cold so they don’t mind sharing the tent for one. At around 1 am, Earl wakes up suddenly: “Johnny, what do you think you’re doing?!”

Johnny: “My hands are cold, I was just warming them between these two pillows.”

Earl: "THOSE AREN'T PILLOWS!"

[N.AL-Tider]

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

[N.AL-Tider]

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a

sign out of the corner of his eye.....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a

second thought......Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real....Then

he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive....On

the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign

next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell....The door is answered by a

nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my

son?".....He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was

interested in possibly doing business.".......

"Very well, my son. Please follow me." .He is led through many

winding passages and is soon quite disoriented....The nun stops at a

closed door and tells the man, Please knock on this door".............

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin

cup answers the door.....This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the

cup,then go through the large wooden door at the end of this

hallway".......

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it

shut behind him........

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking

lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST.

FRANCIS.

SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.

[2Stater]

 

[N.AL-Tider]

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John’s wife died suddenly.

When he got back on shore Joe went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said: “I’m so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.”

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: “Oh no! Fact is I’m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn’t very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The da#@ fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle…”

Old lady fainted........

[N.AL-Tider]

Grammar lesson...

Everyone can use a little “grammar” update now and then; so here’s yours for today... enjoy!

Is it "complete", "finished" or "completely finished"?[​IMG]

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words - "Complete" or "Finished".

In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was: "How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED."

Here is his astute answer:

"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch!

[2Stater]

Grammar lesson...

Everyone can use a little “grammar” update now and then; so here’s yours for today... enjoy!

Is it "complete", "finished" or "completely finished"?[​IMG]

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words - "Complete" or "Finished".

In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was: "How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED."

Here is his astute answer:

"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch!

I bet he frequented the Nun's house of ill repute. 

[N.AL-Tider]

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway,
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers
him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she
hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture
about eight times.

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the
peanuts themselves , whereupon she replies that it is not possible
because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old
lady answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."

[2Stater]

Bwaaahaaahaaahaaa!!!!!!!!!!!! 

[2Stater]

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
 
The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
 
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"
 
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
   
The Air Force pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum!!!

[N.AL-Tider]

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
 
The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
 
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"
 
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
   
The Air Force pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum!!!

All my years of flying, I have only twice sat beside a woman who I would have possibly wanted to try that with.  Most of the time I'm seated next to either old, ugly women or guys... No thanks...

[N.AL-Tider]

Mr. and Mrs Boudreaux were painting their camp..... When finished
he notice dat the misses had miss placed one of the hinges fer
the bedroom door......... Boudreaux gave her tree dollars and sent
her to Thibodeaux's Hardware down da bayou..... When she walked in...... There was a prutty Vase on the top shelf....... Thibodeaux came over and took it down fer her..... she looked on the bottom of it and saw a $100.00 tag on it.... well she almost fainted........... she handed it back and said dat Boudreaux had sent her in to get a hinge fer the door....... Okay said Thibodeaux ,I have some in the back..... I'll be right back....... A short time later..... Thibodeaux howlerd from the back and said... Hey Mrs Boudreaux , you want a screw fer that hinge....... She saw NO !!!!! , But I will......
fer dat VASE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[N.AL-Tider]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and shortly after, a story in an LA newspaper read: "California archaeologists' discovery of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later. A local newspaper in Kentucky reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Hazard, KY Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Kentucky had already gone wireless."

[N.AL-Tider]

Father O'Reilly was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that little Johnny was wearing a red fireman's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever. When the priest got closer to the lad, he noticed that little Johnny had a rope tied around the poor dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly.

Smiling, Father O'Reilly spoke softly to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there, son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you lot faster if you tied that rope around his neck."

"Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren.

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