***The Official CRS Joke Thread***

[N.AL-Tider]

A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies.

The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from West Virginia . This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentucky huntin’ license, boy?”

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Kentucky duck. This duck’s from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee license?”

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain’t no Tennessee duck. This here duck’s from Virginia. . You got a Virginia. huntin’ license?”

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia. hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly “Just where the hell are you from?"

“The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said “You tell me, you’re the expert!!”

[N.AL-Tider]

An old man goes to answer a knock at the door one evening only to find two deputy’s standing there.

“Sir, are you married?” One deputy asked.
“Why yes,” the old man replied “for 48 years.”

“Do you have a photograph of your wife sir?” the second deputy questioned.

The old man pulled a picture out of his wallet and handed it to the officers.

They looked it over and handed it back to him. “Sir, I’m sorry but it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”

The old man says, “I know, son, but she’s got a wonderful personality and she’s a great cook.”

[N.AL-Tider]

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

[Chechem]

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

[N.AL-Tider]

Maria was just married and, being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria," he mother said: "Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and said: "Mama, Mama, Tony has a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," the mother said: "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants, exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother: "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he has hairy legs!" "Don't worry," her mother said: "All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs: "Mama, Mama, Tony has a foot and a half!" "Stay here and stir the pasta," the mother said: "This is a job for Mama."

[N.AL-Tider]

Middle of the afternoon an ambulance rolls into the ER bay and the EMT's wheel a man out on the gurney. Unconscious, face is battered and blue, both eyes swollen shut and there is a seven iron wrapped around his neck. ER docs work on him for a couple of hours, finally get the seven iron off and he slowly regains his senses. They ask him what happened.

"Not sure Doc. Wife and I were playing golf and she shanked one out of bounds into a pasture. We looked and looked for her ball but couldn't find it. Then I saw something white and shiny stuck in the back of a cow's privates. I go over and sure enough it's a golf ball. The last thing I remember is lifting the cow's tail and hollering - Hey Hon, I think this looks like yours!!"

[2Stater]

2 oldies but goodies! 

[N.AL-Tider]

2 oldies but goodies! 

The jokes or you and Chech?

 

 

[N.AL-Tider]

Stan Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory. For many years, he had a powerful, almost uncontrollable desire to put his manhood in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he finally sought professional help from the factory psychologist. After six months of intense therapy, however, the frustrated therapist gave up. He then advised Stan to go ahead and do it, otherwise he would probably never have any peace of mind. The next day Stan came home from work very early. His wife, Stella, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.

For the first time, Stan tearfully confessed to her his tormenting desire to put his manhood in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.

Stella gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find everything normal. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"

Stan replied, "I think she got fired, too."

[2Stater]

Amazo the magician was performing at senior care center, and put on, what he thought, was the performance of his life. But he couldn't help but notice that this elderly lady kept looking down and seemed distracted.

When he finished he approached her and said, "I'm sorry mam, but you didn't seem to enjoy my performance. Don't you know who I am?"

She replied, "No sir, but if you'll check with that nice nurse at the front desk, she can tell you who you are."

[Chechem]

Amazo the magician was performing at senior care center, and put on, what he thought, was the performance of his life. But he couldn't help but notice that this elderly lady kept looking down and seemed distracted.

When he finished he approached her and said, "I'm sorry mam, but you didn't seem to enjoy my performance. Don't you know who I am?"

She replied, "No sir, but if you'll check with that nice nurse at the front desk, she can tell you who you are."

   Too close to home!

[N.AL-Tider]

Amazo the magician was performing at senior care center, and put on, what he thought, was the performance of his life. But he couldn't help but notice that this elderly lady kept looking down and seemed distracted.

When he finished he approached her and said, "I'm sorry mam, but you didn't seem to enjoy my performance. Don't you know who I am?"

She replied, "No sir, but if you'll check with that nice nurse at the front desk, she can tell you who you are."

   Too close to home!

[N.AL-Tider]

Two good ol’ boys in an Auburn trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, “If’n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin’ and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?”

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, “Well, I don’t know about kin, but it would make us even.”

[N.AL-Tider]

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately,there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question.The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.

Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a pair no matter how big they are."

[2Stater]

Two good ol’ boys in an Auburn trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, “If’n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin’ and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?”

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, “Well, I don’t know about kin, but it would make us even.”

  One I haven't heard before. 

[Guest]

Username:
Password:
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever

Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

There aren't any users online.

Loading Tweet...