***The Official CRS Joke Thread***

[N.AL-Tider]

Marriage (Part I )
Typical macho man married
typical good-looking lady, and
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

'I'll be home when I want, if I want, at what time I want, --and
I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't
be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing,
and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules.
Any comments?'

His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me.
Just understand. . .
there will be sex here
at seven o'clock every night...
whether you're here or not.'
(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)
** ****************************

Marriage Part II

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'

'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last.'

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)


****************************
Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty, and
decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'

She says, 'I was in bed.'
'In bed this early, doing what?'
'Getting a second opinion!'

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

****************************
Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,
' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

**************************
THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said,
'It is 5:00 AM Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

[2Stater]

Oldies but goodies. C'mon NALT, I need some new material. 

[N.AL-Tider]

Oldies but goodies. C'mon NALT, I need some new material. 

Ok, but you asked for it...

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

[Chechem]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing so his friend calls 911. 'My friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator replies, "Calm down sir, first make sure that he's really dead." There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Ok, now what?"

[N.AL-Tider]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing so his friend calls 911. 'My friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator replies, "Calm down sir, first make sure that he's really dead." There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Ok, now what?"

That is a really funny one with the parody video... 

 

[Chechem]

My friend gave me his epi-pen as he was dying.

Seemed really important to him that I have it!   

[2Stater]

My friend gave me his epi-pen as he was dying.

Seemed really important to him that I have it!   

  New one! E-cred!

[N.AL-Tider]

Billy Bob and Bubba were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Bubba,
"Yaw know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna
do it different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Bubba asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

"I'm taking Earlene with me."

[N.AL-Tider]

Memorable Password




Always choose an acceptable password!



A lady helps her husband install a new computer.
Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password,
Selecting a word that he'll always remember.
As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife
And with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye,
He selects a word:

Mypenis.


As he hits "enter", to validate the selection, his wife
Collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria!!





The computer had replied:




TOO SHORT . . .

[N.AL-Tider]

A man received the following text from his neighbor:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you have. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it will never happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
darn auto correct-- I meant "WiFi", not "wife". Sorry about that.

[2Stater]

A man received the following text from his neighbor:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you have. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it will never happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
darn auto correct-- I meant "WiFi", not "wife". Sorry about that.

Bwaahaahaahaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! E-cred! I haven't heard this one. 

[N.AL-Tider]

An old man goes to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells him most everything looks good but there is one little thing that he wants to keep an eye on. So he gives the old man his recommendation and tells him to follow it to the letter then come back in three weeks for more tests.

A few days later the doctor is driving through town and he sees the old man walking down the street with a gorgeous blonde hanging on his arm. When the old man comes back for the next visit the doctor mentions seeing him with the girl and asks if she is his granddaughter.

The old man informs the doctor that the blonde is his new girlfriend. The doctor can't believe what he's just heard and begins to caution the old man about trying to keep up with the physical demands of younger women.

The old man is surprised by that and says, "I'm only doing what you told me to the last time I was here, Get a hot momma and be cheerful."

The doctor tells him, "I said you've got a heart murmur, be careful."

[Chechem]

An old man goes to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells him most everything looks good but there is one little thing that he wants to keep an eye on. So he gives the old man his recommendation and tells him to follow it to the letter then come back in three weeks for more tests.

A few days later the doctor is driving through town and he sees the old man walking down the street with a gorgeous blonde hanging on his arm. When the old man comes back for the next visit the doctor mentions seeing him with the girl and asks if she is his granddaughter.

The old man informs the doctor that the blonde is his new girlfriend. The doctor can't believe what he's just heard and begins to caution the old man about trying to keep up with the physical demands of younger women.

The old man is surprised by that and says, "I'm only doing what you told me to the last time I was here, Get a hot momma and be cheerful."

The doctor tells him, "I said you've got a heart murmur, be careful."

   I think the old man's treatment was prolly better for his health.   

[2Stater]

An old man goes to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells him most everything looks good but there is one little thing that he wants to keep an eye on. So he gives the old man his recommendation and tells him to follow it to the letter then come back in three weeks for more tests.

A few days later the doctor is driving through town and he sees the old man walking down the street with a gorgeous blonde hanging on his arm. When the old man comes back for the next visit the doctor mentions seeing him with the girl and asks if she is his granddaughter.

The old man informs the doctor that the blonde is his new girlfriend. The doctor can't believe what he's just heard and begins to caution the old man about trying to keep up with the physical demands of younger women.

The old man is surprised by that and says, "I'm only doing what you told me to the last time I was here, Get a hot momma and be cheerful."

The doctor tells him, "I said you've got a heart murmur, be careful."

  Good-un!

[N.AL-Tider]

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in its mouth.

Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in it's mouth, I grabbed it right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.  So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.  It's eyes rolled back, and it went limp.

I released the snake into the lake without incident and carried on fishing, using the frog.

Not long after, I felt a nudge on my foot.  It was that stupid snake...with two more frogs.

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