***The Official CRS Joke Thread***

[N.AL-Tider]

An American goes to a club in Ireland and says I need to play your best player. The secretary says "That will be Murphy I will give you his phone number." He phones Murphy and Murphy says, "I will be there at 9:00 am but I could be half an hour late." Murphy turns up at 9:00 and he has a left handed set of clubs They tee off and Murphy wins. The American says, We must have a rematch tomorrow." Murphy says, "I will be here at 9:00 but I could be Half an hour late." Murphy turns up at nine with a set of right handed clubs. They tee off and Murphy wins again. The American says, "We must play again tomorrow, what time will you be here? And what clubs will you be using?" Murphy says, "Well it’s like this, when I wake up in the morning I look to see what side the wife is laying on, the left side I use left handed clubs, the right side I use right handed clubs." "What if she is on here back?" the American says, "Well that’s when I will be Half an hour late." says Murphy.

[2Stater]

An American goes to a club in Ireland and says I need to play your best player. The secretary says "That will be Murphy I will give you his phone number." He phones Murphy and Murphy says, "I will be there at 9:00 am but I could be half an hour late." Murphy turns up at 9:00 and he has a left handed set of clubs They tee off and Murphy wins. The American says, We must have a rematch tomorrow." Murphy says, "I will be here at 9:00 but I could be Half an hour late." Murphy turns up at nine with a set of right handed clubs. They tee off and Murphy wins again. The American says, "We must play again tomorrow, what time will you be here? And what clubs will you be using?" Murphy says, "Well it’s like this, when I wake up in the morning I look to see what side the wife is laying on, the left side I use left handed clubs, the right side I use right handed clubs." "What if she is on here back?" the American says, "Well that’s when I will be Half an hour late." says Murphy.

  Been a while since I've heard that one. A goodun'!

[N.AL-Tider]

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?” The pirate replies, “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”

“Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook”? “Well”, replied the pirate, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.”

“Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eye patch”? “A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replied the pirate.

“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?,” the sailor asked incredulously. “Well,” said the pirate, “It was my first day with my hook”

[N.AL-Tider]

A man spent the day at the horse track. He observed a Catholic priest who
was really enjoying the outing, and apparently doing very well. So the man
decided to see if the priest had any "secret" to picking horses. Between
races, he followed the clergyman as he walked through the stables.

The priest stopped at one stall, made some kind of sign that he couldn't
quite see. The next race, that horse, a long shot, won easily. Curious, the
man observed this several times, each time the priest winning with his
"blessed" horse.

Finally, the man made his move. At the next trip he watched the priest
and then went to the window and bet heavily on the horse selected by the priest.

As the gate opened, his horse bolted out of the gate and fell dead scant
yards from the starting gate. The man was incredulous!

He approached the priest and boldly demanded an explanation.

"You're not Catholic, are you?" calmly asked the priest.

"No, but what does that matter?" demanded the loser.

"Well, if you were," continued the priest, "you'd know the difference
between Blessing and Last Rites."

[Chechem]

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?” The pirate replies, “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”

“Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook”? “Well”, replied the pirate, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.”

“Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eye patch”? “A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replied the pirate.

“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?,” the sailor asked incredulously. “Well,” said the pirate, “It was my first day with my hook”

[Chechem]

A man spent the day at the horse track. He observed a Catholic priest who
was really enjoying the outing, and apparently doing very well. So the man
decided to see if the priest had any "secret" to picking horses. Between
races, he followed the clergyman as he walked through the stables.

The priest stopped at one stall, made some kind of sign that he couldn't
quite see. The next race, that horse, a long shot, won easily. Curious, the
man observed this several times, each time the priest winning with his
"blessed" horse.

Finally, the man made his move. At the next trip he watched the priest
and then went to the window and bet heavily on the horse selected by the priest.

As the gate opened, his horse bolted out of the gate and fell dead scant
yards from the starting gate. The man was incredulous!

He approached the priest and boldly demanded an explanation.

"You're not Catholic, are you?" calmly asked the priest.

"No, but what does that matter?" demanded the loser.

"Well, if you were," continued the priest, "you'd know the difference
between Blessing and Last Rites."

[Chechem]

[N.AL-Tider]

These are REAL notes written by PARENTS in a
Tennessee school district. (Spellings have been
left intact.)


1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT
TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.

2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK
AND I HAD HER SHOT

;3-- DEAR SCHOOL : PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON
JAN 28, 29, 30,
31,32 AND ALSO 33.

4-- PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS
ADMINISTRATING.

5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS.
YESTERDAY HE FELL
OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.

6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH
TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.

7-- CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS
PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.

8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE
HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.

9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE
IN HIS SIDE.

10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL HE HAS
VERY LOOSE VOWELS.

11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT
YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE
SH**S. NOTE: [WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT.
(Love it!)

12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY.
HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.

13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED
HIS BUST.

14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS
FATHER'S FAULT. {You know, this could be legit!}

15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO
CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE DON'T NOW WHAT SIZE SHE
WEAR.

16-- PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL
YESTERDAY WE FORGOT TOGET
THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT
MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.

17-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE
WAS TIRED. SHE SPENTA
WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES.
{I absolutely LOVE that one!}

18-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY.
HE HAD A COLD AND
COULD NOT BREED WELL.

19-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY.
SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.

20-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A
GANGOVER.

21-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND
UNDER THE DOCTOR.

22-- MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE
HAD A FEVER, SORETHROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER
WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AND SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE
FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER
SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING
GOING AROUND, HER F ATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT.

NOW WE KNOW WHY PARENTS ARE SCREAMING FOR BETTER
EDUCATION FOR OUR KIDS

[Hannibal Lecter, MD]

12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY.
HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.

[Chechem]

12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY.
HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.

  ... and "in bed with Gramps!" 

[2Stater]

17-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE
WAS TIRED. SHE SPENTA
WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES.

 

[N.AL-Tider]

Definition of the word"coincidence"

A chicken farmer went to the local bar ...He sat next to a woman and
ordered champagne.

The woman said:"How strange, I also just ordered a glass of
champagne".

"What a coincidence"- said the farmer, who added:"It is a
special day for me .... I am celebrating..."

"It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!"- said the
woman.
"What a coincidence"- said the farmer.
While they toasted, the man asked:-"What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I are trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant".

"What a coincidence !"- said the man –"I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to
lay fertilized eggs."

"This is awesome"- said the woman."What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"

"I used a different rooster"- he said.

The woman smiled and said:"What a coincidence"

[N.AL-Tider]

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one...right here."

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me lady, cause I'm dying to know.....how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"

The blonde turns to walk away, and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

[N.AL-Tider]

If Hooter's starts delivering...

Will they have to change their name to, "Knockers?"

[Chechem]

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