***The Official CRS Joke Thread***

[Chechem]

[2Stater]

  E-creds to NALT and Chech!

[N.AL-Tider]

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"


The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."

[N.AL-Tider]

Another old one but still good...


Good Medical Advice~

A very old Doctor was recently found high up in the Himalayas living with a cloister of Tibetan Monks that haven't had contact with civilization in over 75 years.

The average age of these Monks is estimated to be nearing 150 years old. They attribute their longevity to the advice given by this singular Doctor. He could do well in America methinks. He is a medical wizard!

I love his logic.

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy? HELLO. Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Cocoa beans best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[N.AL-Tider]

A Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi and asks, "Yankele and Yosele are
both in love with me, who will be the lucky one?"
The wise old Rabbi answers, "Yankele will marry you. Yosele will be the lucky one.


If a married Jewish man is walking alone in a park and expresses an
opinion without anybody hearing him, is he still wrong?


My father says, "Marry a girl who has the same belief as the family.
" I said, "Dad, why would I marry a girl who thinks I'm a schmuck?"


Jewish Marriage advice:
"Don't marry a beautiful person. They may leave you. Of course, an
ugly person may leave you too, But who cares?"


The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine.
"The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac.
"The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.
"The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer.
"The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila.
"The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."


Jewish proverb: "A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she'll
never forget what she forgave."


A Jewish congregation in suburban Toronto honours its Rabbi for 25
years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses
paid. When he walks into his hotel room, he finds a beautiful nude
woman lying on the bed. She greets the Rabbi with, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a
little something extra that the President of the shul arranged for
you."
The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of
the shul and shouts, "Greenblatt, what were you thinking? Where is
your respect? I am the moral leader of our religious community! I am
very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this."
Hearing this, the naked woman gets up and starts to get dressed. The
Rabbi turns to her and asks, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you.”

[N.AL-Tider]

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.

Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could.

"I am so sorry," she said… "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise. That won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied.

She ran out of the room.

[N.AL-Tider]

I'm not sure if this is authentic but... If it is, this police officer is a genius. 


Police Harassment

Recently, the Chula Vista, California Police Department ran an e-mail forum with the local community (a question and answer exchange) with the topic being, "Community Policing." One of the civilian e-mail participants posed the following question:

"I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually harass people and get away with it?"

From the "other side" (the law enforcement side) Sgt. Bennett, obviously a cop with a sense of humor replied:

"First of all, let me tell you this...it's not easy. In Chula Vista, we average one cop for every 600 people.

Only about 60% of those cops are on general duty (or what you might refer to as "patrol") where we do most of our harassing. The rest are in non-harassing departments that do not allow them contact with the day to day innocents.

At any given moment, only one-fifth of the 60% patrollers are on duty and available for harassing people while the rest are off duty.

So roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing about 5,000 residents.

When you toss in the commercial business, and tourist locations that attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is responsible for harassing 10,000 or more people a day.

Now, your average ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds long. This gives a cop one second to harass a person, and then only three-fourths of a second to eat a donut AND then find a new person to harass.

This is not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to this challenge day in and day out. It is just too tiring.

What we do is utilize some tools to help us narrow down those people which we can realistically harass.
The tools available to us are as follow:

PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on a person for special harassment.

"My neighbor is beating his wife" is a code phrase used often. This means we'll come out and give somebody some special harassment.

Another popular one: "There's a guy breaking into a house." The harassment team is then put into action.

CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or no driver's licenses and the like.

It's lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light.

Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant on file.

RUNNERS: Some people take off running just at the sight of a police officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a beagle on the scent of a bunny. When you catch them you can harass them for hours to determine why they didn't want to talk to us.

STATUTES: When we don't have PHONES or CARS and have nothing better to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called "Statutes"; Criminal Codes, Motor Vehicle Codes, etc...They all spell out all sorts of things for which you can really mess with people.

After you read the statute, you can just drive around for awhile until you find someone violating one of these listed offenses and harass them.

Just last week I saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, there's this book we have that says that's not allowed. That meant I got permission to harass this guy. It's a really cool system that we've set up, and it works pretty well.
We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away with it. Why? Because for the good citizens who pay the tab, we try to keep the streets safe for them, and they
pay us to "harass" some people.

Next time you are in my town, give me the old "single finger wave." That's another one of those codes. It means, "You can't harass me." It's one of our favorites.

Hopefully sir, this has clarified to you a little bit better how we harass the good citizens of Chula Vista.

[SUPERCOACH]

[2Stater]

[Chechem]

One thing for sure.  Parents will vote a pay raise for teachers when this crap ends!   

[pmull]

One thing for sure.  Parents will vote a pay raise for teachers when this crap ends!  

I saw a Facebook post today where a parent said “After 4 days of home schooling I have removed the My Child Is An Honor Student decal from my car”.

[N.AL-Tider]

I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."

[2Stater]

[Chechem]

Too true!

When I was a freshman at Alabama we got a paper message about dorm prices increasing.  Don't recall the price, but one line said:

ROOM AND BROAD .... $

[Chechem]

[Guest]

Username:
Password:
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever

Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

There aren't any users online.

Loading Tweet...