***The Official CRS Joke Thread***

[2Stater]

  That's me at every hour. Here we are after quarantine.

[Chechem]

Got up today stressed over this coronavirus mess.  Decided to make myself a Bloody Mary with leftovers from the fridge; just enough to help take the edge off, ya know?

[Chechem]

Here we are after quarantine.

No doubt.  I'm walking at least twice daily, but I'm eating 3-4 times.  This could get ugly!
 

[2Stater]

Got up today stressed over this coronavirus mess.  Decided to make myself a Bloody Mary with leftovers from the fridge; just enough to help take the edge off, ya know?

  I'm jelly!

[N.AL-Tider]

~ When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
...
~ To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
....................................................................
~ When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
...
~ Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.”
Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.”
...........................................................
~ Cop: “Please step out of the car.”
Me: “I’m too drunk. You get in.”
..................................................
~ I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
............................................................................................
~ I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
..........................................................
~ Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
...
~ If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?
...
~ When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
...
~ Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.
.................................................................................
~ I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
...
~ I run like the winded.
.................................
~ I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
...
~ When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
...
~ I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.
...
~ When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
...
~ I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
...
~ When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
.......................................................................................
~ Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
...
~ That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.
...
~ Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
...

[N.AL-Tider]

Airborne, approximately thirty minutes, on an outbound evening flight from Dublin, the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix up one minute prior to take-off, by our airport catering service. I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."
When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued. "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our five hour flight."
Her next announcement came 90 minutes later. "If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."

[2Stater]

 

[2Stater]

[N.AL-Tider]

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client.
"Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million ... and I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary......"

[N.AL-Tider]

A man is caught sitting at a make-shift campfire by a forest ranger, and to the ranger's horror, the man is eating a bald eagle. The man is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trail, the conversation went something like this:

JUDGE: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

MAN: "Yes I do. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."

JUDGE: "Proceed."

MAN: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. I caught up with the eagle who lighted upon a tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the eagle hoping he would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head, and killed it. I thought long and hard about what had happened, but figured that since I killed it I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."

JUDGE: "The court will take a recess while I consider your testimony."

(15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.)

JUDGE: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges."

The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers: "If you don't mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?"

MAN: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is somewhere between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

[N.AL-Tider]

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith
about enlarging her breasts. Dr. Smith advised her,
'Every day after your shower, rub your chest
and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies,
I want bigger boobies!'


She did this faithfully for several months!
To her utter amazement she grew terrific
D-cup boobs!
One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.


Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't
recite the little rhyme, she stood up in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie, doobies,
I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked,
'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith?'

'Yes I am... How did you know?'

He winked and replied, "Hickory dickory dock"!

[2Stater]

NALT, you actually posted a couple of great jokes I had never heard. E-cred!

 

[Chechem]

NALT, you actually posted a couple of great jokes I had never heard. E-cred!

 

I was afraid to read them.  They passed the SC test, I assume.   

[2Stater]

NALT, you actually posted a couple of great jokes I had never heard. E-cred!

 

I was afraid to read them.  They passed the SC test, I assume.   

Not political, if that's what you mean. 

[Chechem]

NALT, you actually posted a couple of great jokes I had never heard. E-cred!

 

I was afraid to read them.  They passed the SC test, I assume.   

Not political, if that's what you mean. 

Thanks for the security scan for me. 

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