***The Official CRS Joke Thread***

[2Stater]

During a woman’s medical examination, the British doctor says,”Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.


Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.”


The woman starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.


No no no, just stick out your tongue!?

 

[Chechem]

During a woman’s medical examination, the British doctor says,”Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.


Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.”


The woman starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.


No no no, just stick out your tongue!?

 

 

[N.AL-Tider]

During a woman’s medical examination, the British doctor says,”Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.


Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.”


The woman starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.


No no no, just stick out your tongue!?

 

 

I hope I'm there when 2 tells that joke to Mrs. 2...

   I mean, he will need someone to call 911 for him...AmIright?

[2Stater]

During a woman’s medical examination, the British doctor says,”Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.


Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.”


The woman starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.


No no no, just stick out your tongue!?

 

 

I hope I'm there when 2 tells that joke to Mrs. 2...

   I mean, he will need someone to call 911 for him...AmIright?

She'd be the first to admit the doc was right. 

[Chechem]

During a woman’s medical examination, the British doctor says,”Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.
Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.”

The woman starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.

No no no, just stick out your tongue!?

 

 

I hope I'm there when 2 tells that joke to Mrs. 2...

   I mean, he will need someone to call 911 for him...AmIright?

She'd be the first to admit the doc was right. 

You guys ain't right!   

[2Stater]

During a woman’s medical examination, the British doctor says,”Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.
Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.”

The woman starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.

No no no, just stick out your tongue!?

 

 

I hope I'm there when 2 tells that joke to Mrs. 2...

   I mean, he will need someone to call 911 for him...AmIright?

She'd be the first to admit the doc was right. 

You guys ain't right!   

[N.AL-Tider]

During a woman’s medical examination, the British doctor says,”Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.
Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.”

The woman starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.

No no no, just stick out your tongue!?

 

 

I hope I'm there when 2 tells that joke to Mrs. 2...

   I mean, he will need someone to call 911 for him...AmIright?

She'd be the first to admit the doc was right. 

You guys ain't right!   

Nope!  But we ain't wrong neither... 

[N.AL-Tider]

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied: 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license!

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Walmart.
'Walmart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Walmart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do and the eyesight to tell the difference.

[N.AL-Tider]

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall..'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
<><>

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain
<><>

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
<><>

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
<><>

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
<><>

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
<><>

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
<><>

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe..
- Jimmy Durante
<><>

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
<><>

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
- Alex Levine
<><>

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
<><>

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
<><>

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath
<><>

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
<><>

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields
<><>

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
<><>

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
<><>

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller
<><>

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal

[N.AL-Tider]

If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

Don't worry about what people think; most don't do it very often.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.

It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

If you look like your passport photo, you probably need the trip.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away
three weeks before you need it.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake
when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

You should not weigh more than your refrigerator.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.

[N.AL-Tider]

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Hang on to any of the new Alabama quarters if you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents.

The U.S. Treasury announced it is recalling all of the Alabama quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. The quarters are being issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. “We are recalling all the new Alabama quarters that were recently issued,” Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. “This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices.

“The problem lies in a design flaw, “ Shackleford said. The winning design was submitted by an Auburn University student. “Apparently,” Shackleford said, “the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices.”

[N.AL-Tider]

Two businessmen in the center of London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek,
and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling butt-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old woman said, “Must be doing well.
Only two left!"

[2Stater]

Two businessmen in the center of London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek,
and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling butt-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old woman said, “Must be doing well.
Only two left!"

  E-cred!

[N.AL-Tider]

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.

Over a double latte, the Greek mentions “We built the Pantheon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo.”

“Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.”

“But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics.”

“Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces.”

Knowing that he’s about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: “Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity !”

“True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved!”

[2Stater]

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.

Over a double latte, the Greek mentions “We built the Pantheon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo.”

“Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.”

“But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics.”

“Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces.”

Knowing that he’s about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: “Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity !”

“True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved!”

  Another E-cred!

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