***The Official CRS Joke Thread***

[N.AL-Tider]

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.

Over a double latte, the Greek mentions “We built the Pantheon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo.”

“Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.”

“But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics.”

“Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces.”

Knowing that he’s about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: “Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity !”

“True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved!”

  Another E-cred!

 

Just two more and I'll break 3000!

[Hannibal Lecter, MD]

May want to change Pantheon to Parthenon if you retell that one.

[2Stater]

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.

Over a double latte, the Greek mentions “We built the Pantheon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo.”

“Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.”

“But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics.”

“Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces.”

Knowing that he’s about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: “Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity !”

“True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved!”

  Another E-cred!

 

Just two more and I'll break 3000!

Make that one more. 

[Chechem]

[Hannibal Lecter, MD]

That can't be an accurate depiction, Chech.  No one is trying to take a selfie with Jesus.

[Chechem]

That can't be an accurate depiction, Chech.  No one is trying to take a selfie with Jesus.

I know.  But these were the intelligent ones; the chosen.  HTH   

[Chechem]

Then again:

[N.AL-Tider]

Some old Phyllis Diller one-liners.  Course, I'm sure 2 and Chech got to hear her tell these the first time...

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.


Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?


Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.


The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.


Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.


A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.


I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.


Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.


Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.


We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.


Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.


What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.


The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.


His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.


Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.


My photographs don't do me justice -they just look like me.


I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive.
My boyfriend lives forty miles away.


Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.


I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

[N.AL-Tider]

A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long, and
yet her husband has lost interest in having sex.
So, she goes to see her doctor, and relays the problem.
The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that this is nothing
serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts.
The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's cereal
every morning without telling him, and little by little this will bring out
the savage beast in him.
He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a
progress report.
A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is.
"He's dead," she replies.
"Dead?" the doctor asked. "What happened?"
The woman replied, "He was sitting on the driveway licking his balls, and I
backed over him with the car."

[N.AL-Tider]

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

[Hannibal Lecter, MD]

Funny coincidence with the Phyllis Diller one-liners, Nalt. 

I usually do the daily Cryptoquote puzzle that appears in a lot of newspapers.  Today's turned out to be a Diller quote:

"When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance.   Sometimes I just go in for an estimate."

[N.AL-Tider]

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out. 'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.


Side note:  Mrs. Nalt went to school with a boy from K-12.  In his senior year his parents had him circumcised.  She said he was in extreme pain for about a week while everyone else was teasing and making fun of him.  Kids can be so cruel but apparently so can parents...

[N.AL-Tider]

A two-for-one special... 

One day Ole and Sven were paging through the Sears catalog and admiring all the beautiful models. Ole said to Sven, “Haf you seen da perdy girls in dis catalog?” Sven replied, “Ya. Dey sure are bootiful, an yust look at da prices!” Ole looked wide eyed and said, “Yumpin’ Yimminy. Dey ain’t very expensive. At dees prices I’m buyin’ me vun…maybe two.” Sven smiled, patted Ole on the back and said, “By golly Ole, if she’s as purdy as she looks in da catalog, I vill get vun too.” Three weeks later Sven came by and asked Ole, “did ya ever git dat girl you ordered from da Sears catalog”? Ole replied, “no, but it von’t be long now, her clothes came yesterday!”

Ole and Sven and dere families live in da voods & share da same outhouse. Vun day Sven comes to Ole & says, "Ole, I got some bad news, eh? Da outhouse is full up an' ve should do sometin' about it."

Ole tinks fer a minit an' says, "Ya know, Sven, I don't much wanna shovel dat stuff outa dere. Ya know dat I usta verk fer da iron mines down dere in Visconsin. I usta set da charges dat vould blast da ore out. I tink I could set up a charge under da outhouse, blow all da crap outa dere an' leave da outhouse standin' pretty as ya please.

"Vell, Ole," says Sven, " if you could do dat, you vould be a God!"

So dey go off to get da dynamite to do da yob. Dey come back an' Ole sets da charge yust so. Sven an' Ole are stretchin' out da ignition cable into da voods and disappear behind da trees yust as Ole's vife, Lena, comes outa da house headin' fer da outhouse. Yust as she gets inside an' settles down Sven an' Ole set off da charge. BOOOOOOOM!!!! an all da mud under da outhouse goes blastin' out into da voods. Ven da dust settles dey see dat da outhouse is standin' dere yust like Ole promised.

Yust den da door flies open an' Lena stumbles outa da outhouse coughin' an' beatin' da dust offa her an' mutters, "Geez, I'm glad I didn't do dat in da house!!"

[2Stater]

Bwaaahaaahaaahaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 2 good'uns, NALT! 

[N.AL-Tider]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to..'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith..

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement...

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?’, she queried, nearly fainting.

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted.

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