***The Official CRS Joke Thread***

[Chechem]

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo.

When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in.
"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says.
That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.
Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear.

Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with
Her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door
while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house,
slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:
"Da**it, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"

  Indeed it is!

[N.AL-Tider]

Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking' so sad.

Liz said, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay...but you look so sad. Why?"

Sally replies, "Cause I just can't get a man."

Liz replies, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."

Sally says, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."

"I don't understand what you're talking about," says Liz.

Sally goes on, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."

Liz asks, "So, how's that going help you get a man?"

Sally replies, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."

[N.AL-Tider]

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.' *******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

[2Stater]

  True story!

[N.AL-Tider]

There were Two Nuns. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It’s not working.

SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister?
*
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A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down. And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!

[N.AL-Tider]

Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner.

Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game.

“Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broken, and if you don’t fix it the food will go bad,” Kate said.

Paul yelled back, “Who do I look like, the PG&E man? I don’t think so.”

A little while later, Kate said, “Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it’s out.”

“Who do I look like, an electrician? I don’t think so,” Paul retorted.

A few hours later, Kate said, “Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it.”

Paul quickly replied, “Who do I look like, a carpenter? I don’t think so.”

Frustrated from all the requests, Paul gets up and leaves. He decides to go to a bar down the road. After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife, so he went on home.

He came up the porch and realized that the step was fixed. He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed. He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed.

“Babe, how did you fix all this?” Paul asked his wife.

She looked at him and explained, “Well after you left I began to cry on the porch. A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying, and he asked me what he could do to help.

He fixed everything. I asked him what I could do for payment. He said I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him.”

“Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?” Paul asked.

Kate looked at him and replied, “Who do I look like, Betty Crocker? I don’t think so!”

[Chechem]

Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner.

Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game.

“Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broken, and if you don’t fix it the food will go bad,” Kate said.

Paul yelled back, “Who do I look like, the PG&E man? I don’t think so.”

A little while later, Kate said, “Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it’s out.”

“Who do I look like, an electrician? I don’t think so,” Paul retorted.

A few hours later, Kate said, “Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it.”

Paul quickly replied, “Who do I look like, a carpenter? I don’t think so.”

Frustrated from all the requests, Paul gets up and leaves. He decides to go to a bar down the road. After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife, so he went on home.

He came up the porch and realized that the step was fixed. He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed. He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed.

“Babe, how did you fix all this?” Paul asked his wife.

She looked at him and explained, “Well after you left I began to cry on the porch. A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying, and he asked me what he could do to help.

He fixed everything. I asked him what I could do for payment. He said I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him.”

“Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?” Paul asked.

Kate looked at him and replied, “Who do I look like, Betty Crocker? I don’t think so!”

[N.AL-Tider]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

[2Stater]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

 

[Chechem]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

 

   And perfect for humpday.   

[N.AL-Tider]

A carpenter quits his job and becomes a detective ...
Two other detectives on the force decide to see how far they can go before the new guy cracks and decide to take him to a grisly post-mortem.

The Medical Examiner pulls the sheet off the corpse to reveal his totally naked body and the ex-carpenter seems slightly shocked, the two detectives grin, this might be easier than they thought.

The ME starts by cutting the man wide open and begins to remove his organs, handing them to the ex-carpenter to bag and label: heart, liver, lungs, stomach, intestines, kidneys, everything. By this point the ex-carpenter is flecked with blood and viscera and looks pale and sickly.

Eventually, the ME comes to the brain. He pulls out a bone-saw the length of his arm and begins unceremoniously hacking away at the man’s skull, chunks of flesh and bone fly wild and by this point the ex-carpenter is covered in blood.

The ME is having real trouble with the skull, he’s been sawing for minutes now and the ex-carpenter is physically shaking, the blood vessels popping in his neck and forehead, his knuckles clenched white.

Finally he lets out a scream and wrestles the saw from the ME’s hands, but before the detectives can congratulate each other the ex-carpenter takes the saw to the man’s skull and bellows:

LET THE SAW DO THE WORK!

[N.AL-Tider]

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening
of church services when she was startled by an intruder.

She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its
valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be
baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be
forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks.

The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had
done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked
the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady
did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar.

"She said she had an ax and two 38's!"

[Old Tider]

From British comedian Bob Monkhouse:

"I'd like to die peacefully in my sleep like my father.  Not screaming and terrified like his passengers."

[N.AL-Tider]

Patrick O'Leary showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. O'Leary had never been seen in church in his adult life. After Mass, the priest caught O'Leary and said "Mr. O'Leary, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass. What made you come?"

O'Leary said, "I've got to be honest with you, Father. A while back, I misplaced me cap. I really, really love that cap. I knew that Donald Shaunessy had one just like mine, and I knew that Shaunessy came to church every Sunday. I also knew that Shaunessy had to take off his cap during Mass, and I figured he would leave it in the back of the church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal Shaunessy's cap."

The priest said, "Well, Mr. O'Leary, I notice that you didn't steal Mr. Shaunessy's cap. What changed your mind?"

O'Leary said "Well, after I heard your sermon on the ten commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal Shaunessy's cap."

The priest gave O'Leary a big smile and said, "Ah, after I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' you decided you would rather do without your cap than burn in Hell, right?"

O'Leary shook his head and said, "No, Father. After you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I left me cap."

[Chechem]

Patrick O'Leary showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. O'Leary had never been seen in church in his adult life. After Mass, the priest caught O'Leary and said "Mr. O'Leary, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass. What made you come?"

O'Leary said, "I've got to be honest with you, Father. A while back, I misplaced me cap. I really, really love that cap. I knew that Donald Shaunessy had one just like mine, and I knew that Shaunessy came to church every Sunday. I also knew that Shaunessy had to take off his cap during Mass, and I figured he would leave it in the back of the church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal Shaunessy's cap."

The priest said, "Well, Mr. O'Leary, I notice that you didn't steal Mr. Shaunessy's cap. What changed your mind?"

O'Leary said "Well, after I heard your sermon on the ten commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal Shaunessy's cap."

The priest gave O'Leary a big smile and said, "Ah, after I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' you decided you would rather do without your cap than burn in Hell, right?"

O'Leary shook his head and said, "No, Father. After you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I left me cap."

    Now I remember where I left my bicycle back in 1967. 

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