***The Official CRS Joke Thread***

[2Stater]

From British comedian Bob Monkhouse:

"I'd like to die peacefully in my sleep like my father.  Not screaming and terrified like his passengers."

 

[N.AL-Tider]

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a
Construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.
He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while."
"I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand."
So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither."
The foreman is really angry now.
He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.
Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!!!!"

[N.AL-Tider]

The Meaning of Life explained

On the first day God created the cow.

God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed.

On the second day God created the dog.

God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten."

So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey.

God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man.

God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years" No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained.

[Chechem]

The Meaning of Life explained

On the first day God created the cow.

God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed.

On the second day God created the dog.

God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten."

So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey.

God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man.

God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years" No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained.

[2Stater]

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a
Construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.
He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while."
"I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand."
So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither."
The foreman is really angry now.
He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.
Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!!!!"

 

[N.AL-Tider]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"

[N.AL-Tider]

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000.00 in the donation plate. It happened again the next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly women put the distinctive pink envelop on the plate.
This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity,
approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000.00 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why, yes," she replied. "Every week my son sends me money and I give a tithe to the church.”
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000.00 is a lot; are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?”
The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week.”
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living?”
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?”
The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada, he has two cat houses, one in Elko and one by Laughlin."

[N.AL-Tider]

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically,
the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.

Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously:

"What part did you get?"

[Chechem]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"

   Sounds like it might even be a true story!   

[N.AL-Tider]

Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing
Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said,
"Ole, you can go farther than that if you vant to." So Ole drove to Duluth.


OUTHOUSE PROBLEMS_____________


When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the
outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained,
"I'm not going down dere yust for 50 cents."

THAT'S HER!_________


A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rape
case police line-up. As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted,
"Yep, dat's her!"

SWIM COMPETITION _____________


A Swedish woman competed with a French woman
and an English woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel
swim competition. The Frenchwoman came in first, the Englishwoman second.
The Swede reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with
blankets and coffee, she remarked, "I don't vant to complain, but I tink
dose other two girls used der arms."


VE COULDN'T AFFORD MORE _______


Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing
in Canada and returned with only one fish. "The way I figger it, dat fish
cost us $400" said the first Norwegian. "Vell," said the other one, "At dat
price it's a good ting ve didn't catch any more."

BAR RIDDLE ___________


A Swede took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in
a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to him in a friendly manner.
"Look," he said, "let's have a game if you answer it, I'll buy YOU a drink,
if you can't, then you buy ME one, Okay?" "Ya, dat sounds purty good," said
the Swede. The Indian said, "My father and my mother had one child. It
wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?" The Swede scratched
his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas it?" "It was ME," chortled
the Indian. So the Swede paid for the drinks. Back in Sioux Falls the Swede
went into a bar and spotted one of his cronies, "Sven," he said, "I got a
game. If you can answer a qvestion, I buy you a drink. If you can't, YOU
have to buy ME vun. Fair enough?" "Fair enough," said Sven. Okay . . my
fadder and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder, It vasn't my sister,
Who vas it?" "Search me, " said Sven. "I give up. Who vas it?" "It vas some
Indian up in Fargo, Nort Dakoda."

FINGERNAILS ___________


One day Lena confided to her friend Hilda that she
had finally cured her nervous husband, Ole, of his habit of biting his
nails. "Good gracious," said Hilda, "How did yew ever dew that?" "It vas
really simple," was Lena's reply. "I yust hid his false teeth."

THE RELATIONS _____________


Ole and Lena ! were getting on in years. Ole
was 92 and Lena was 89. One evening they were sitting on the porch in their
rockers and Ole reached over and patted Lena on her knee. "Lena, vat ever
happened tew our sex relations?" He asked. "Vell, Ole, I yust don't know,"
replied Lena. "I don't tink ve even got a card from dem last Christmas."



THE PRANK CALL ____________


The phone rings in the middle of the night when
Ole and Lena are in bed and Ole answers. "Vell how da hell should I know,
dats two tousand miles from here" he says and hangs up. "Who vas dat?" asks
Lena. "I donno, some fool wanting to know if da coast vas clear.
------------------------------------------------
Ole was arrested one night while walking bare naked down the streets of the
little town of Minnetonka, Minnesota. The policeman, who was a good friend
of Ole's said,"Ole...What in the world are you doing? Where are your
clothes? You're naked." "Yah, I know," said Ole. "You see, I vas over to
dat 'playboy' Swen's for his birthday party. Dere vas about 28 of us. Der
vas boys and girls." "Is that right?", his policeman friend asked. "Yah,
Yah, anyvay, dat Swen, he says, 'Everybody get into the bedroom!'So vee all
go into the bedroom.... where den he yells, 'Everybody git naked!' "Vel,
vee all got undressed. Den he yells, 'Everybody go to town!".I guess I'm
the first one here.

[Chechem]

A Swedish woman competed with a French woman
and an English woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel
swim competition. The Frenchwoman came in first, the Englishwoman second.
The Swede reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with
blankets and coffee, she remarked, "I don't vant to complain, but I tink
dose other two girls used der arms."

[N.AL-Tider]

Scotch???


On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher
lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit...... She touched a
drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop
and asked, "Champagne?"

"No," said the little boy............. "It's a puppy!"

[2Stater]

Scotch???


On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher
lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit...... She touched a
drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop
and asked, "Champagne?"

"No," said the little boy............. "It's a puppy!"

 

[N.AL-Tider]

Neologism

Once again The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

The winners are:


1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle(n.), olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n.), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.



The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

The winners are:


- Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

-Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

-Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

-Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

-Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

- Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these Really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

- Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

- Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

- Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:


- Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a-hole

[2Stater]

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

Bwaaahaaahaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

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