***The Official CRS Joke Thread***

[N.AL-Tider]

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce! Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, " Channel No. 5, $200 an ounce! About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, farts, then says, "Broccoli...............49 cents a pound."

[2Stater]

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce! Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, " Channel No. 5, $200 an ounce! About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, farts, then says, "Broccoli...............49 cents a pound."

  My kinda woman!

[N.AL-Tider]

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce! Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, " Channel No. 5, $200 an ounce! About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, farts, then says, "Broccoli...............49 cents a pound."

  My kinda woman!

We know!

[2Stater]

[N.AL-Tider]

[2Stater]

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She
sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink..


Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered

(Continue below)






'THE TEETH.'

[Chechem]

...




'THE TEETH.'

[N.AL-Tider]

An elderly couple who had just celebrated their fiftieth anniversary were sitting on their porch, relaxing. Both were simply reading a book and rocking on their chairs. When suddenly, the wife looks at her husband and whacks him across the head, she goes back to her book.

Her husband, puzzled, asks, "What was that for?"

She replied, "That was for 50 years of bad sex."

They both go back to their books, and a few minutes later, the husband looks at his wife and whacks her across the head, he goes back to reading his book.

The wife, also puzzled asks him, "What was that for?"

Not looking up from his book the husband answers, "That is for knowing the difference."

[N.AL-Tider]

New
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."I

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls". It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?

Signed
Perplexed

[Hannibal Lecter, MD]

An elderly couple who had just celebrated their fiftieth anniversary were sitting on their porch, relaxing. Both were simply reading a book and rocking on their chairs. When suddenly, the wife looks at her husband and whacks him across the head, she goes back to her book.

Her husband, puzzled, asks, "What was that for?"

She replied, "That was for 50 years of bad sex."

They both go back to their books, and a few minutes later, the husband looks at his wife and whacks her across the head, he goes back to reading his book.

The wife, also puzzled asks him, "What was that for?"

Not looking up from his book the husband answers, "That is for knowing the difference."

[2Stater]

New
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."I

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls". It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?

Signed
Perplexed

 

[N.AL-Tider]

T'was a bus tour for senior citizens.

When they arrived at the Three Sisters, in the Blue Mountains, the driver parked the bus and the passengers made their doddering, unsteady descent to the footpath.

As they filed past, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in the drivers ear. "I've been sexually harassed."

A few seconds later, another old dear stopped and whispered in his ear. "Driver, I've been sexually harassed."

This kept happening. Soon seven pensioners had complained whilst others pointed to an old bloke who was crawling around the floor of the bus, looking beneath the seats.

The driver approached him, tapped him on his back and said, "Excuse me sir, Id like to have a word with you."

The old bloke looked up and said, "Of course you can, but not right at the moment. You see, I've lost my toupee and am trying to find it. I thought Id found it seven times but they were all parted in the middle and mines parted on the side."

[2Stater]

T'was a bus tour for senior citizens.

When they arrived at the Three Sisters, in the Blue Mountains, the driver parked the bus and the passengers made their doddering, unsteady descent to the footpath.

As they filed past, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in the drivers ear. "I've been sexually harassed."

A few seconds later, another old dear stopped and whispered in his ear. "Driver, I've been sexually harassed."

This kept happening. Soon seven pensioners had complained whilst others pointed to an old bloke who was crawling around the floor of the bus, looking beneath the seats.

The driver approached him, tapped him on his back and said, "Excuse me sir, Id like to have a word with you."

The old bloke looked up and said, "Of course you can, but not right at the moment. You see, I've lost my toupee and am trying to find it. I thought Id found it seven times but they were all parted in the middle and mines parted on the side."

 

[N.AL-Tider]

Well, I'm at the emergency room.

I got bored being at home so I decided to take off and go horseback riding. Something I haven't done in a while. It turned out to be a big mistake! I got on the horse and started out slowly, but then we went a little faster and before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go. I couldn't take the pace and fell off, but caught my foot in the stirrup with the horse dragging me. It just wouldn't stop.

Thankfully the manager at the Dollar General store came out and unplugged the machine. He actually had the nerve to take the rest of my change so I wouldn't attempt to ride the Elephant.

I'll be fine. You know where to send gifts and get well cards.

[N.AL-Tider]

This is what all of y'all 70+ year-olds, and those yet-to-be have to look forward to!

This is something that happened at an assisted living center. The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast, so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door, and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly. So she went back to the dining area.

An hour later he still hadn't arrived. So she went back up towards his room, and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs, but was having a hard time. He had a death grip on the handrail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance, but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs, and he had his breakfast.

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step, so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.

I am sending this to my children so that they don't panic before they know the facts.

[Guest]

Username:
Password:
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever

Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

There aren't any users online.

Loading Tweet...