***The Official CRS Joke Thread***

[2Stater]

This is what all of y'all 70+ year-olds, and those yet-to-be have to look forward to!

This is something that happened at an assisted living center. The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast, so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door, and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly. So she went back to the dining area.

An hour later he still hadn't arrived. So she went back up towards his room, and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs, but was having a hard time. He had a death grip on the handrail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance, but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs, and he had his breakfast.

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step, so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.

I am sending this to my children so that they don't panic before they know the facts.

  Been there, done that.

[N.AL-Tider]

An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the
sun rise.
He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his
arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells "You da#@ fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken
wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's
surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about
30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he
sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You da#@ fool, you can't catch ducks with duck
tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old
man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck
tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying
what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It's a Pussy willow."

Old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat"

[N.AL-Tider]

Stress, tension and panic?


1. What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?


Stress is when wife is pregnant;
Tension is when girl friend is pregnant;
Panic is when both are pregnant!

2. Grammar Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our postman moved away!

3. A young boy asks his Dad: "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that is confidential!"

4. A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman,
“Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied, “My husband’s cheque book!”

5. A prospective husband in a book store: “Do you have a book called, Husband the Master of the House?
”Sale’s Girl : “Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor!”

6. Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife "Darling, Honey, Love." What’s the secret?”
Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her!”

[2Stater]

An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the
sun rise.
He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his
arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells "You da#@ fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken
wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's
surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about
30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he
sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You da#@ fool, you can't catch ducks with duck
tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old
man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck
tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying
what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It's a Pussy willow."

Old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat"

 

[N.AL-Tider]

Words of Wisdom.

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.


2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.


3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper that’s the time to do it.


4. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.


5. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.


6. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.


7. No one is listening until you make a mistake.


8. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.


9. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.


10. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.


11. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.


12. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.


13. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.


14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.


15. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?


16. Never mess up an apology with an excuse.


17. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.


18. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will spend the grocery money on graphite rods and buzzbaits.



19. I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.


20. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.


21. Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.


22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.


23. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.


24. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.


25. Don't squat with your spurs on.


26. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.


27. Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.


28. Never miss a good chance to shut up.


29. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.


30. A closed mouth gathers no foot.


31. Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.


32. I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.


33. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.


34. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.


35. You can say "STOP" or "ALTO" or use any other word you think will work but I've found that a large bore muzzle pointed at someone's head is pretty much the unversal language.

[N.AL-Tider]

A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Give me five shots of your finest whiskey, none of that cheap stuff!"

The bartender fills five glasses in front of the man and the guy slams them one after another in rapid succession.

"Wow," says the bartender, "you drank those in a hurry!"

"You'd drink fast too if you had what I have," the man says.

"Er, that's rough, what do you have?" asks the bartender.

The man replies, "Fifty cents."

[N.AL-Tider]

FEMALE PRAYER:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks
pray that he is gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.

MALE PRAYER:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store. Amen

[2Stater]

FEMALE PRAYER:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks
pray that he is gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.

MALE PRAYER:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store. Amen

  About sums it up.

[N.AL-Tider]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,
she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window.
My husband is home early!"
"I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.
"He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your
problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out
the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he
quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's
annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others,
about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to
blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of
runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged
closer.. Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully
free!"
Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your
clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes." our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get
dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, "Do you
always wear a condom when you run?"

"Nope ... just when it's raining!"

[2Stater]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,
she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window.
My husband is home early!"
"I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.
"He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your
problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out
the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he
quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's
annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others,
about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to
blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of
runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged
closer.. Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully
free!"
Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your
clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes." our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get
dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, "Do you
always wear a condom when you run?"

"Nope ... just when it's raining!"

 

[2Stater]

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a
rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and
said, "Well that's great, just great... some a**hole's got my pen.

[2Stater]

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.

Tiger turns to Stevie and says: "How is the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder says: "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10 again so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how’s your golf game?"

Tiger replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I am still making a good living. I have had some minor problems with my swing but I think I’ve got that straightened out."

Stevie says: "I always find that when my swing goes bad I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right."

Tiger says: "You play golf!"

Stevie says: "Yes, I have been playing for years."

And Tiger says: "But I thought you were blind, how can you play golf if you are blind?"

Stevie replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me, I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddy moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards the sound of his voice."

"But how do you putt", says Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Tiger says: "What is your handicap."

Stevie says "I’ve seen you play Tiger and my handicap will match yours!."

Tiger is incredulous and he says to Stevie,

"We must play a game sometime."

Wonder replies: "Well people don’t take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."

Tiger thinks about it carefully and says "OK, I’m up for that. When would you like to play?"

"I don’t care", says Stevie, "Pick a night."

[2Stater]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, not awakening until around 8 PM.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied.

He slipped into his shoes and flew home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary and we’ve been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock!"

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said,
"You lying bast**d! You’ve been playing golf again !"

[Chechem]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, not awakening until around 8 PM.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied.

He slipped into his shoes and flew home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary and we’ve been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock!"

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said,
"You lying bast**d! You’ve been playing golf again !"

    In his work shoes?

[N.AL-Tider]

1. My wife and I divorced over religious differences.
She thought she was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10. Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.

11. I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.

12. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

13. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

14. God must love stupid people; he made so many.

15. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

16. It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.

17. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

18. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

19. MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup crew.

20. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it.

21. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

22. Procrastinate Now! (I do this well)

23. My dog can lick anyone!

24. I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?

25. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.

26. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

27. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

29. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

30. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

31. A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up three thousand times the memory on your computer.

32. HAM AND EGGS -- A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

33. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

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