***The Official CRS Joke Thread***

[N.AL-Tider]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a
pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish
priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be
saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have
services for an animal in the church. But there are some
Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they
believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think
$5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!
Why didn`t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

[N.AL-Tider]

"Personals" descriptions defined:

The Women:


40-ish.................. 48

Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will

Athletic................ Flat-chested

Average looking......... Ugly

Beautiful............... Pathological liar

Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin

Educated................ College dropout

Emotionally Secure...... Medicated

Feminist................ Fat; ball buster

Free spirit............. Substance user

Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut

Fun..................... Annoying

Gentle.................. Comatose

Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic

New-Age................. All body hair, all the time

Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only

Open-minded............. Desperate

Outgoing................ Loud

Passionate.............. Loud

Poet.................... Depressive Schzophrenic

Professional............ Real Witch

Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section

Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat

Romantic................ Looks better by candle light

Voluptuous.............. Very Fat

Weight proportional to height..................Hugely Fat

Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking

Widow................... Nagged first husband to death

Young at heart.......... Toothless crone



And the Men:


40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old

Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN

Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose and back

Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot

Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister

Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity

Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack

Good looking............ Arrogant

Honest.................. Pathological Liar

Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear

Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent

Mature.................. Until you get to know him

Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested

Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself

Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall

Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday

Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested

Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer

[N.AL-Tider]

A husband had finished a book about being the "Man of the House" by the time he reached his home. All charged up he stormed into his house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing and shaking a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!" "I demand that you prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward!".

"Then, after dinner, you're going to rub my tired feet and draw me my bath so I can relax." "I will be expecting you to bring me martinis while I soak in the tub!" "And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The ****ing funeral director," replied his wife.

[N.AL-Tider]

When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theater, he walked over and whispered "Sorry sir, but you are allowed only one seat." The man moaned but didn't budge. "Sir," the usher said more loudly, "if you don't move, I'll have to call the manager." The man moaned again but stayed where he was. The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. The cop looked at the reclining man and said, "All right, what's your name, joker?" "Joe", he mumbled. "And where are you from, Joe?" Joe responds painfully, "The balcony!"

[N.AL-Tider]

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female
teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill
Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry
(Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses. it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with
the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their
clothes. As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade." "No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help."

[N.AL-Tider]

A group was touring London, marveling at the historic buildings, art collections, and such. The group included people from many countries.
During the tour of the Tower of London, a man from Prague and another man from Athens struck up a conversation about some point in history. A small disagreement ensued, which rapidly became a large one.

They decided to settle the matter then and there using the historical accouterments at hand. Donning armor and chain mail, they prepared for a battle to the death. This attracted the attention of the rest of the tour group, who crowded around for a better look. Inasmuch as the combatants were in period dress, the people couldn't tell one from another.

"Is that the Czech wearing the armor?" asked one tourist. "No," replied another, "The Greek is in the armor. The Czech is in the mail."

[N.AL-Tider]

I got a new car radio yesterday. It has voice recognition. You shout "soul" and it plays a soul station. You shout "rock" and it finds rock and roll for you. You shout "country" and it finds country music.

I was enjoying this new technology when some children ran in front of my car, causing me to swerve at the last second. I yelled out: "F&**king kids!" And my radio started playing Michael Jackson songs.

[N.AL-Tider]

"Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked men are climbing towards my bedroom window!" "This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department." "No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"

[Hannibal Lecter, MD]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a
pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish
priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be
saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have
services for an animal in the church. But there are some
Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they
believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think
$5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!
Why didn`t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

I told this to a good friend of mine who is Catholic, and he got a big laugh out of it.

[N.AL-Tider]

Goldballer's priorities:


At dawn the telephone rings.

"Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot died."

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Oh! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"What?!? What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What do you mean?!? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod... she showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

SILENCE...

LONG SILENCE...

LONG, LONG SILENCE...

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep ****!"

[2Stater]

  An oldie but goody!

NALT, what the heck is goldballing?

[N.AL-Tider]

An oldie but goody!

NALT, what the heck is goldballing?

  A fat-finger attempt to name your chosen sport... 

[2Stater]

An oldie but goody!

NALT, what the heck is goldballing?

  A fat-finger attempt to name your chosen sport... 

 

[N.AL-Tider]

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her night stand by the bed. He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

[N.AL-Tider]

2Stater and a couple of his golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don’t hit the ducks during your first three months here.
The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, “The ducks?”

“Yes”, St. Peter replies, “There are thousands of ducks walking around the course, and if one gets hit, he quacks, then the one next to him quacks and soon they’re all quacking to beat the band. It really breaks the tranquility, and If you hit one of the ducks,
you’ll be punished, Otherwise everything is yours to enjoy. ”

Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck quacks, the one next to it quacked and soon here
was a deafening roar of duck quacks.

St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks, “Who hit the duck?” The guy who had done it admitted, “I did. ”
St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man’s right hand to the homely woman’s left hand. “I told you not to hit the ducks,”, he said. Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity. ”
The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman.
He cuffed the man’s right hand to the homely woman’s left hand. “I told you not to hit the ducks,” he said; “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity. ”

2Stater was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn’t even play for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months, he still hadn’t hit a duck.
St. Peter walked up to 2Stater at the end of the three months, and had with him a knock-out, gorgeous woman – the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. St. Peter smiled at 2Stater and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

2Stater, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a contented sigh and said aloud, “I wonder what I did to deserve this?

The woman responds, “I don’t know about you, but I hit a duck.”



***Sorry about that 2 but I just couldn't help myself making this one about you..."   

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