***The Official CRS Joke Thread***

[2Stater]

I'll take 'em any way I can get 'em. 

[N.AL-Tider]

I'll take 'em any way I can get 'em. 

Ecred for being such a good sport... 

BTW, how is the back?

[2Stater]

I'll take 'em any way I can get 'em. 

Ecred for being such a good sport... 

BTW, how is the back?

Oy Vey! Not great, NALT. Still going through PT. He finally got me on some additional exercises that are beginning to help a little. We'll see.

[N.AL-Tider]

I'll take 'em any way I can get 'em. 

Ecred for being such a good sport... 

BTW, how is the back?

Oy Vey! Not great, NALT. Still going through PT. He finally got me on some additional exercises that are beginning to help a little. We'll see.

Hmmm, Hopefully these additional exercises will provide some quality relief.  Another thought just came to me.  Have you ever tried an inversion table?   

[2Stater]

I'll take 'em any way I can get 'em. 

Ecred for being such a good sport... 

BTW, how is the back?

Oy Vey! Not great, NALT. Still going through PT. He finally got me on some additional exercises that are beginning to help a little. We'll see.

Hmmm, Hopefully these additional exercises will provide some quality relief.  Another thought just came to me.  Have you ever tried an inversion table?   

I have. It's only temporary relief.

[N.AL-Tider]

JACK AND JILL went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead
Now it goes to school with her
Between two hunks of bread.

LITTLE MISS MUFFET sat on a tuffet,
Her clothing all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept up beside her
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

SIMPLE SIMON met a Pieman
Going to the fair
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pieman unto Simon
"Pies, you dummy!"

THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL,
who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
And when she was good,
she was very, very good
But when she was bad,
She got a fur coat, jewels, a sports car..........
(Scarsdale, or East Hampton?)

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the King's horses and all the King's men
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE, the cat did a piddle
All over the bedside clock,
The little dog laughed to see such fun
When it died of electric shock

[N.AL-Tider]

Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription. Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough."


A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, “Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied, “My husband’s cheque book !!”

A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called 'Husband – the Master of the House?'"
Salesgirl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”

Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?"
Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her."

Wife: "I wish I was a newspaper – so I’d be in your hands all day."
Husband: "I too wish that you were a newspaper … so I could have a new one every day!"

Husband to wife: “Today is a fine day."
Next day he says: “Today is a fine day.”
Again, next day, he says same thing: “Today is a fine day."
Finally, after a week, the wife can’t take it and asks her husband: “Since last week, you have been saying 'Today is a fine day.’ I am fed up. What’s the matter?”
Husband: "Last week when we had an argument, you said, 'I will leave you one fine day.' I was just trying to remind you ……”

[2Stater]

JACK AND JILL went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

 

[N.AL-Tider]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me
Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports
for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's

door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is
backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so
the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle
Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning
to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of
Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric,
wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little
package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and
approaches Lena

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

[N.AL-Tider]

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"

[N.AL-Tider]

"A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a
tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant
business! The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and
asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'

"A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, 'I make
$300.00 a week. Why?' The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and
screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.'

"Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and
asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?'

"From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'"

[N.AL-Tider]

A duck walks into a bar, hops up on a stool and orders a beer. The bartender is amazed. "Hey! You can talk!"
"Yeah, yeah. How 'bout that beer?"
The bartender pours a draft sets it in front of the duck and says, "You should join the Circus. You'd make a FORTUNE."
The duck eyes him suspiciously, "Tell me sump'm. What's the Circus gonna do with a bricklayer?"

[N.AL-Tider]

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.

He declines "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!"

[2Stater]

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.

He declines "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!"

 

[N.AL-Tider]

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any"

"But I always buy it here," says the blonde

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist..

"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,

"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container.........

"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM"

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