***The Official CRS Joke Thread***

[N.AL-Tider]

Two Italian virgins get married and go on their honeymoon. However, they
have no idea what there supposed to do once they get to their hotel
room. The newlyweds decide to call his mother and get some advice on
what to do. The mother says that they should sit on the bed together and
snuggle with each other and things should start to happen from there.
The newlyweds start to do this but nothing else happens. He calls his
mother back to find out what to do next. She says they should take their
clothes off, get under the covers in bed, and nature should takes its
course. The bride and groom take his mother's advice but still nothing.
He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the situation
she says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in
her hairiest thing!" and hangs up on him. A few minutes later he
reluctantly calls his mother back, "Well, I have my nose in her armpit.
What do I do next?"

[N.AL-Tider]

Church Ladies With Typewriters


The Fasting & Prayer Conference - includes meals.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water. ‘The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM... The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use large double door at the side entrance
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

[N.AL-Tider]

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they’re too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then
get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk that although it’s a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350. When the clerk tells him that $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager listens to the man and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains that they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here,” explains the manager.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, “But we didn’t use it ”

The manager is unmoved and eventually, the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a
check and gives it to the manager.

The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. “But sir,” he says, “this check is only
made out for $100.”

“That’s right,” says the man. “I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife.”

“But I didn’t ” exclaims the manager.

“Well,” the man replies, ” she was here, and you could have.”

[N.AL-Tider]

A man goes to visit his grandpa in the hospital.

"How are you, Grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night.

At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.

"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving a 95-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely, that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

[2Stater]

A man goes to visit his grandpa in the hospital.

"How are you, Grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night.

At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.

"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving a 95-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely, that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

  If they gave me Viagra, you can bet your bippy I wouldn't be sleeping 9 hours.

[N.AL-Tider]

A man goes to visit his grandpa in the hospital.

"How are you, Grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night.

At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.

"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving a 95-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely, that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

  If they gave me Viagra, you can bet your bippy I wouldn't be sleeping 9 hours.

[N.AL-Tider]

Lord Grantham was in his study one morning when his butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"By all means, Carson ," said His Lordship.

"I was doing The Times crossword, My Lord, and came across a word of which I am not too sure of the exact meaning."

"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.

"Aplomb, My Lord."

"Now that's quite a difficult one to explain. I would describe it as self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still somewhat confused about it."

"Well, now, Carson, let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you recall a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge

arrived to spend a weekend?"

"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

"Also," continued the Earl, "Do you recall when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

"I was present on that very occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs."

"And while Wills was plucking the rose, Carson, a thorn embedded itself into his thumb quite deeply?"

"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage the Duke's thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"And that evening, Carson, his thumb was still rather sore and Kate had to cut up his venison for him, even though it was quite tender?"

"Indeed, My Lord, I clearly recall everything that transpired that evening."

"And do you recall the next morning, Carson, while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, that Kate inquired of Wills in a loud voice:

"Darling, is your prick still throbbing?" And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee?

That, Carson, is complete aplomb!"

[2Stater]

Lord Grantham was in his study one morning when his butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"By all means, Carson ," said His Lordship.

"I was doing The Times crossword, My Lord, and came across a word of which I am not too sure of the exact meaning."

"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.

"Aplomb, My Lord."

"Now that's quite a difficult one to explain. I would describe it as self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still somewhat confused about it."

"Well, now, Carson, let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you recall a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge

arrived to spend a weekend?"

"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

"Also," continued the Earl, "Do you recall when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

"I was present on that very occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs."

"And while Wills was plucking the rose, Carson, a thorn embedded itself into his thumb quite deeply?"

"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage the Duke's thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"And that evening, Carson, his thumb was still rather sore and Kate had to cut up his venison for him, even though it was quite tender?"

"Indeed, My Lord, I clearly recall everything that transpired that evening."

"And do you recall the next morning, Carson, while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, that Kate inquired of Wills in a loud voice:

"Darling, is your prick still throbbing?" And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee?

That, Carson, is complete aplomb!"

 

[Chechem]

[N.AL-Tider]

[2Stater]

I found it easier to find Waldo. It took me a minute. 

[Red Elephant]

I found it easier to find Waldo. It took me a minute. 

That may be the best one yet!   

[N.AL-Tider]

A woman and a baby were in the pediatrician's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.. Breast-fed, "she replied.

Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Then motioned for her to get dressed.

The doctor said, " No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm sure glad I came."

[N.AL-Tider]

New
A man took his old duck to the vet, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat.
The vet explained to the man that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it's food.
"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown."
The man goes about his business and about a week later the vet runs into his patient.

"Well, how is that duck of yours?" the vet inquires.
"He's dead." declared the heartbroken man.
"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?" insisted the vet.

"No." lamented the man. "I think he was dead before I took him out of the vise."

[2Stater]

 

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