***The Official CRS Joke Thread***

[Hannibal Lecter, MD]

If Larson could have somehow represented dog years on the clock, it would have been fantastic.  It's great regardless.

[2Stater]

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

The priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith"
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

 

[Chechem]

[Chechem]

[Chechem]

[N.AL-Tider]

Mrs. Johnson decided to have her portrait painted by a very famous artist. She told the artist, "Paint me with my 3-carat diamond earrings, a large Diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful red ruby Pendant."

"But, ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."

"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is failing and my husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want that heifer to go nuts looking for the jewelry."

[N.AL-Tider]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[Chechem]

[Chechem]

One for 2:

[2Stater]

E-creds to y'all. It brightened up my evening! 

[N.AL-Tider]

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only, one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

[N.AL-Tider]

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was
a good idea to replace the first four rows of pews with plush bucket
theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always
fills first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you
told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to
the church, so I supported you when you brought in that
rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony!!"

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that
you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"However," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too
far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the
donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"I know, son, but that flashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell or Go To
Hell", just can't stay on the church roof!"

[Hannibal Lecter, MD]

[N.AL-Tider]

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an angel to find out who will be admitted to heaven. There's only one place left.
The angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven?
Dolly takes off her top and the says .. look at these. They're the most perfect breasts god ever created. And I'm sure it will please him to see them every day for the rest of eternity.
The angel thanks her and asks her majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier water out of her purse. Drinks it down then wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The angel says OK your majesty you may go in!
Dolly is outraged and asks. What was all that about. I show you two of God's finest creations and you turn me down. She wees in a toilet and gets in ?
Sorry Dolly the angel replies. Even in heaven ( wait for it )
A royal flush always beats a pair..... no matter how big they are.

[N.AL-Tider]

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

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