***The Official CRS Joke Thread***

[pmull]

No jokes have been posted in a while so I will try. An old one but still good.

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

[2Stater]

  E-cred!!!

[Hannibal Lecter, MD]

Good one, NALT.   For anyone who grew up in a small town, it certainly rings at least a little true.

[N.AL-Tider]

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....
"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."


Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and
yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it!"

[2Stater]

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....
"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."


Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and
yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it!"

Bwaaahaaahaaahaaa!!!!!! 

E-cred! 

[N.AL-Tider]

MILDRED THE CHURCH GOSSIPER AND SELF-APPOINTED MONITOR OF THE MORALS KEPT STICKING HER NOSE INTO OTHER PEOPLES BUSINESS.

SEVERAL MEMBERS DID NOT APPROVE OF HER EXTRA CURRICULAR ACTIVITIES, BUT FEARED HER ENOUGH TO MAINTAIN THEIR SILENCE. SHE MADE A MISTAKE HOWEVER, WHEN SHE ACCUSED BRO. RICKY, A NEW MEMBER, OF BEING A ALCOHOLIC, AFTER SHE SAW HIS OLD PICKUP PARKED IN FRONT OF THE TOWN'S ONLY BAR ONE AFTERNOON.

SHE EMPHATICALLY TOLD RICKY AND SEVERAL OTHERS THAT EVERYONE SEEING IT THERE WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING.

RICKY, A MAN OF FEW WORDS STARED AT HER FOR A MOMENT AND JUST TURNED AND WALKED AWAY. HE DIDN'T EXPLAIN, DEFEND, OR DENY, HE SAID NOTHING.

LATER THAT EVENING, RICKY QUIETLY PARKED HIS PICKUP IN FRONT OF MILDRED'S HOUSE...WALKED HOME...AND LEFT IT THERE ALL NIGHT.

YOU GOTTA LOVE RICKY.

@ Preacher, I hope you don't mind my putting your name in this joke.  Just trying to have a little fun today while it is cold.   

[2Stater]

MILDRED THE CHURCH GOSSIPER AND SELF-APPOINTED MONITOR OF THE MORALS KEPT STICKING HER NOSE INTO OTHER PEOPLES BUSINESS.

SEVERAL MEMBERS DID NOT APPROVE OF HER EXTRA CURRICULAR ACTIVITIES, BUT FEARED HER ENOUGH TO MAINTAIN THEIR SILENCE. SHE MADE A MISTAKE HOWEVER, WHEN SHE ACCUSED BRO. RICKY, A NEW MEMBER, OF BEING A ALCOHOLIC, AFTER SHE SAW HIS OLD PICKUP PARKED IN FRONT OF THE TOWN'S ONLY BAR ONE AFTERNOON.

SHE EMPHATICALLY TOLD RICKY AND SEVERAL OTHERS THAT EVERYONE SEEING IT THERE WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING.

RICKY, A MAN OF FEW WORDS STARED AT HER FOR A MOMENT AND JUST TURNED AND WALKED AWAY. HE DIDN'T EXPLAIN, DEFEND, OR DENY, HE SAID NOTHING.

LATER THAT EVENING, RICKY QUIETLY PARKED HIS PICKUP IN FRONT OF MILDRED'S HOUSE...WALKED HOME...AND LEFT IT THERE ALL NIGHT.

YOU GOTTA LOVE RICKY.

@ Preacher, I hope you don't mind my putting your name in this joke.  Just trying to have a little fun today while it is cold.   

  Ricky, you ole dog you!

[2Stater]

[N.AL-Tider]

A professor at Auburn University reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here

tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury

or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other

excuses whatsoever!"

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What

would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter

sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was

restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head

and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your

other hand."

[2Stater]

A professor at Auburn University reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here

tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury

or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other

excuses whatsoever!"

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What

would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter

sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was

restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head

and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your

other hand."

 

[2Stater]

A lady walks into a golf shop. The sales clerk asked if he could help her. She said "Yes. I had a terrible argument with my husband last night and I want to buy him a nice club to give him, along with an apology".

Clerk: " Well, you've come to the right place. I have a special 'Scotty Cameron' putter that I bet he'd love.

She said, "Perect! I'll take it".

Clerk: "We also have an engraver here that can make a special plate to go on it if you like".

Lady: "Oh yes, please. What should I have him put on the plate? I want something golfy"

Clerk: "Well, there's an old golf saying about putting, 'Never up, never in'. How about that?

Lady: "Lord no!. That's what started the argument in the first place".

[Hannibal Lecter, MD]

Good one, 2.

I took a pole recently.   It turned out 100% of the people in the tent were pissed when it collapsed.

(Groaner Dad joke)

[2Stater]

Good one, 2.

I took a pole recently.   It turned out 100% of the people in the tent were pissed when it collapsed.

(Groaner Dad joke)

 

 

[pmull]

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.  She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.  Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.  "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.  She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.  I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.  Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.  I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though.  My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".

[N.AL-Tider]

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun,the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'
'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'
'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, would you like a Drink?'
'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.
'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?”

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