***The Official CRS Joke Thread***

[Hannibal Lecter, MD]

Kinda like the wise men who went to see baby Jesus.   The original first responders. They were coming from a-faarrr. 

[Chechem]

Kinda like the wise men who went to see baby Jesus.   The original first responders. They were coming from a-faarrr. 

   

[N.AL-Tider]

Maybe a repeat but...


On a transatlantic flight, a plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning. One woman in particular lost it.
Screaming, she stood up in the front of the plane.
"I'm too young to die," she wailed. Then she yelled, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there was silence. Everyone had forgotten their own peril. Eyes riveted, they all stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Texas stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time. No one moved.
He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.
She gasped...
Then the man said, "Iron this -- and then get me a beer."

[N.AL-Tider]

During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that an employee was using the following password:  "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said, "Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and at least one capital."

[N.AL-Tider]

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly an Eurofighter with a Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight, isn’t it? Now have a look here!"
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and then swoops down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks: "Well, how was that?"
The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive but watch this!"
The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly straight at the same speed. After 15 minutes, the Airbus pilot radios, "Well, how was that?
Confused, the jet pilot asks, "What did you do?"
The Airbus pilot laughs and says: "I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the aircraft to use the washroom, then got a cup of coffee and a chocolate fudge pastry."
The moral of the story is: When you’re young, speed and adrenaline seem to be great. But as you get older and wiser, you learn that comfort and peace are more important.
This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older and Smarter.
Dedicated to all my senior friends ~ it’s time to slow down and enjoy the rest of the trip.

[Hannibal Lecter, MD]

This made me think of some of you:

This made me think of you, Jamie:

Nurse:  "Sir, we're going to need a stool sample and a urine sample?"

Man <to his wife>:  "What did she say?"

Wife:  "Just give them your underwear."

[2Stater]

This made me think of some of you:

This made me think of you, Jamie:

Nurse:  "Sir, we're going to need a stool sample and a urine sample?"

Man <to his wife>:  "What did she say?"

Wife:  "Just give them your underwear."

  Saw that on FB a while back.

Do you know what the difference is between Kuwait and Abu Dhabi?

The Kuwaiti's don't like the Flinstones. The Abu Dhabi do. (collective groan  )

[Chechem]

This made me think of some of you:

This made me think of you, Jamie:

Nurse:  "Sir, we're going to need a stool sample and a urine sample?"

Man <to his wife>:  "What did she say?"

Wife:  "Just give them your underwear."

  Saw that on FB a while back.

Do you know what the difference is between Kuwait and Abu Dhabi?

The Kuwaiti's don't like the Flinstones. The Abu Dhabi do. (collective groan  )

[N.AL-Tider]

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[2Stater]

  I think I dated her.

[N.AL-Tider]

An elderly Texas gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman.
The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
“This is from the gentleman seated over there,” indicating the sender.
She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man.
The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:
“For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants.”
After reading the note, the Texan decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.
It read:
“For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, and a Mercedes CL600, a Porsche Turbo, Toyota Prius and Matrix, in my garage, beautiful homes in Aspen, Colorado and Miami and a 10,000-acre ranch in Texas There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off.
Just send the bottle back!!!

[N.AL-Tider]

Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her sorority
sisters she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State. She wanted
to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que, take in a bona fide rodeo, and have sex
with a real cowboy.

Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she fared.

"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when
they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's oh so good. The taste
is unbelievable!"

"And, I went to a real rodeo...Talk a bout athletes! Those guys wrestle full
grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop then jump off the horses and
grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just
incredible!"

They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"

"Are you kidding? Once I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the
back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"

[N.AL-Tider]

A small white guy goes into an elevator. When he gets in he notices a huge
black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small
white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left
ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints!!
The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping
his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?". The
small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude
looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left ball,
3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small white guy says,
"Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around. '"

[Hannibal Lecter, MD]

...
 

[N.AL-Tider]

A man has been stranded on a deserted island for ten years by himself. One day, he's sitting on the beach and notices some bubbles on the surface of the water. All of the sudden, a beautiful woman with scuba tanks on comes walking out of the water. "Hi," she says. "Hi," he says. "Have you been here long?" she asks. "I've been here by myself for 10 years," he says. "Well.." she replies, "I'll bet you'd really like a cigarette." She unzips a waterproof pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a pack of cigarettes, offers one to the man, and lights it. He sits there taking long drags on his cigarette, just savoring it. She says, "Well if you like that cigarette, I'll be you'd really like a cold beer!" With that, she unzips another pocket and produces a cold bottle of beer. The guy grabs it, twists the cap off and begins chugging down the beer, just moaning. The beautiful woman then says, "10 years...all by yourself huh?". "Well, I'll be you'd like to play around..." With those words, the guy jumps up, his eyes open wide, with beer coming out of his nostrils, and blurts out, "Don't tell me you have a set of golf clubs in there somewhere."

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