***The Official CRS Joke Thread***

[Hannibal Lecter, MD]

A man has been stranded on a deserted island for ten years by himself. One day, he's sitting on the beach and notices some bubbles on the surface of the water. All of the sudden, a beautiful woman with scuba tanks on comes walking out of the water. "Hi," she says. "Hi," he says. "Have you been here long?" she asks. "I've been here by myself for 10 years," he says. "Well.." she replies, "I'll bet you'd really like a cigarette." She unzips a waterproof pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a pack of cigarettes, offers one to the man, and lights it. He sits there taking long drags on his cigarette, just savoring it. She says, "Well if you like that cigarette, I'll be you'd really like a cold beer!" With that, she unzips another pocket and produces a cold bottle of beer. The guy grabs it, twists the cap off and begins chugging down the beer, just moaning. The beautiful woman then says, "10 years...all by yourself huh?". "Well, I'll be you'd like to play around..." With those words, the guy jumps up, his eyes open wide, with beer coming out of his nostrils, and blurts out, "Don't tell me you have a set of golf clubs in there somewhere."

She found 2!

[2Stater]

A man has been stranded on a deserted island for ten years by himself. One day, he's sitting on the beach and notices some bubbles on the surface of the water. All of the sudden, a beautiful woman with scuba tanks on comes walking out of the water. "Hi," she says. "Hi," he says. "Have you been here long?" she asks. "I've been here by myself for 10 years," he says. "Well.." she replies, "I'll bet you'd really like a cigarette." She unzips a waterproof pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a pack of cigarettes, offers one to the man, and lights it. He sits there taking long drags on his cigarette, just savoring it. She says, "Well if you like that cigarette, I'll be you'd really like a cold beer!" With that, she unzips another pocket and produces a cold bottle of beer. The guy grabs it, twists the cap off and begins chugging down the beer, just moaning. The beautiful woman then says, "10 years...all by yourself huh?". "Well, I'll be you'd like to play around..." With those words, the guy jumps up, his eyes open wide, with beer coming out of his nostrils, and blurts out, "Don't tell me you have a set of golf clubs in there somewhere."

She found 2!

  I resemble that remark.

[N.AL-Tider]

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely"?
"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."
"How about transportation"? the father asked.
"I have my wagon and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"

[2Stater]

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely"?
"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."
"How about transportation"? the father asked.
"I have my wagon and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"

I bet he'd end up hen-pecked. 

[N.AL-Tider]

An Irish aviator was getting worried being overdue, and not being able to find the air base in rapidly deteriorating weather.
"Lord,"he prayed,"I can't stand this.If you direct me to the nearest air base,I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds broke, and the sun shone brightly on a large air base below.
Without hesitation, the aviator said,"Never mind, I found one."

[Hannibal Lecter, MD]

An Irish aviator was getting worried being overdue, and not being able to find the air base in rapidly deteriorating weather.
"Lord,"he prayed,"I can't stand this.If you direct me to the nearest air base,I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds broke, and the sun shone brightly on a large air base below.
Without hesitation, the aviator said,"Never mind, I found one."

[N.AL-Tider]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service and she's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'

The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?'

She says, 'That he did, Father.'

The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'

She says, 'He said, Mary, it's not what it looks like, would you please put down that gun...'

[2Stater]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service and she's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'

The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?'

She says, 'That he did, Father.'

The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'

She says, 'He said, Mary, it's not what it looks like, would you please put down that gun...'

 

[N.AL-Tider]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub
for the best toast of the night!


He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of
the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.


The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."


She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's
only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the
other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[Hannibal Lecter, MD]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub
for the best toast of the night!


He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of
the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.


The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."


She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's
only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the
other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

 

[N.AL-Tider]

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the
vet's when they struck up a conversation.
The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said,
"So why are you here?"
The brown Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on
everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the
kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed
in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black Lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the
chocolate Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."
The black Lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked,
"Why are you here?"
The yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under
fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the
Hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But
I went over the line last night when I dug a great big
hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going t! o do to you?" the black Lab
inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too", the dejected
yellow Lab said.
The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked,
"Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," the black Lab said. "I'll hump
anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table,
fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I
see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the
shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I
just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started humping away".

The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance
and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"
The black Lab said.... "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

[2Stater]

 

[N.AL-Tider]

A man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy's in New York City.
He tells the saleslady, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B."

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked: "What kind of bra?"

He repeated: "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish
bra, and that you would know what she wanted."

"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many
requests for them as we used to.

Mostly of our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the
Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked: "So, what are the
differences?"

The saleslady responded: "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra
supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen. The
Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."

He mused on that information for a minute and said: "Hmmm. I know I'll
regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?"

A Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of molehills."

[N.AL-Tider]

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"

[Hannibal Lecter, MD]

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"

Shame, shame, NALT

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