***The Official CRS Joke Thread***

[N.AL-Tider]

An Old North Dakota farmer got pulled over by a N. Dakota State trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing it, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Havin' some problems with circle flies there, are Ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well, yeah, if
that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies."

So the old N. Dakota farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies 'cause they're almost always found circlin' around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.

Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's @ss?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law
enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a
horse's @ss."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to
writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

[N.AL-Tider]

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any"

"But I always buy it here," says the blonde

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist..

"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,

"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container.........

"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM"

[N.AL-Tider]

One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

[Hannibal Lecter, MD]

I made my first trip to the beach this past week.  Before I left my brother gave me a friendly piece of advice:  "If you want to get the ladies to really notice you, put a potato down in your swim trunks."  Let me tell you, did I ever get some second looks, but usually the were followed by a snicker and laugh with their friends.  After I got home, my brother asked me how it worked out, and I let him know.  He said that seemed odd and started asking questions.   Turns out he left out the part about the potato going in the FRONT of the swimming trunks.

[Hannibal Lecter, MD]

How do you recognize the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

He's got a cup of coffee in each hand and still carrying a dozen doughnuts

[2Stater]

How do you recognize the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

He's got a cup of coffee in each hand and still carrying a dozen doughnuts

 

[N.AL-Tider]

How do you recognize the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

He's got a cup of coffee in each hand and still carrying a dozen doughnuts

[pmull]

Frustrated with his golf game a player signed up for a short series of golf lessons with his local pro.

Several weeks after he had completed his final lesson, he told his pro that he was now totally frustrated with golf and that he was going to throw his golf equipment into the nearby lake and then jump in the lake and drown himself!

The pro said that he was very sorry to hear how frustrated the player had become with golf.

“I don’t think you’ll drown, however,” the pro said. “You can’t keep your head down that long!”

[2Stater]

Frustrated with his golf game a player signed up for a short series of golf lessons with his local pro.

Several weeks after he had completed his final lesson, he told his pro that he was now totally frustrated with golf and that he was going to throw his golf equipment into the nearby lake and then jump in the lake and drown himself!

The pro said that he was very sorry to hear how frustrated the player had become with golf.

“I don’t think you’ll drown, however,” the pro said. “You can’t keep your head down that long!”

That would be me. 

[2Stater]

A Doctor and Engineer entered a chocolate store.
As they were busy looking around, the Doctor stole 3 Chocolates bars.
As they left the store, the Doctor said to the Engineer,
"Man! I'm the bést thief ever, i stole 3 Chocolates bars and no one saw me. You can't béat that! "

The Engineer replied,
" Okay, you wanna see something better? Let's go back to the store and I'll show you real stealing. "
So they both went up to the Counter and the Engineer said to the shop Boy, "Hey, would you like to see some Màgic? "

The shop Boy replied, " Yes! "

The Engineer said, " Give me one Chocolate bar". The shop Boy gave him one and he ate it.
He asked for the second and he ate that one as well.
He asked for the third which he also ate too.

The shop Boy asked, " Okay, what are you trying to pull here? Where's the magic? "

The Engineer replied, " Check in my Friend's pocket.
You'll find all 3 chocolate bars."

[N.AL-Tider]

   That's a good one 2...

[pmull]

Bob stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn’t start his backswing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, “What the hell is taking so long?”

“My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse,” Bob explained. “I want to hit a perfect shot.”

“Good lord!” his companion exclaimed. “You don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here.”

[N.AL-Tider]

Bob stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn’t start his backswing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, “What the hell is taking so long?”

“My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse,” Bob explained. “I want to hit a perfect shot.”

“Good lord!” his companion exclaimed. “You don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here.”

 

[2Stater]

Bob stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn’t start his backswing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, “What the hell is taking so long?”

“My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse,” Bob explained. “I want to hit a perfect shot.”

“Good lord!” his companion exclaimed. “You don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here.”

Bwaaahaaahaaahaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

[pmull]

Four men were out playing golf. They happened to be behind a group with an absolutely gorgeous lady.

On the last hole, they were waiting to hit onto the green. The beautiful young lady waved them up.

“I have noticed you guys gawking over me this whole round,” she said. “If any of you can help me make this putt, I will show you the time of your life.”

The first guy says, “Play it out six inches to the right.”

The second guy says, “Play it out to the left six inches.”

The third guy says, “No, it is straight. Play it in the center of the cup.”

Finally, the fourth guy bends over and picks her ball up and says, “That’s a gimme.”

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